Saturday, July 6, 2013

I wish I could be that parent

When Ry and I are out and about, trying to enjoy this life we get to live now, we witness all kinds of parenting which tend to open up some discussion. Would you do that? Oh my God, I can't believe they let their kid do that! I would never say that in front of our kids, would you? Most of the time we become overly critical of what are probably harmless things every parent has done and will do at some point (sorry, I can't think of any examples at this moment). But then there are moments of amazing parenting witnessed that actually bring me to tears.
Yesterday we went to a park with a great friend of ours (Korbin's godfather, actually), and had a random discussion about a board placed in the water feature and what it may be used for. It was tied into place so I thought maybe it's for the ducks to leave or enter the water. Then a family with three small kids walked up and the father began the same discussion. But the way this father asked his kids questions to steer them in the right direction and then praised them when they guessed correctly was just so beautiful to me. He was teaching but allowing them to still think for themselves. It was beautiful. I mean, that's exactly how I hope Ry and I are as parents (someday).
I know it seems odd that talking about a board could bring me to tears. But what really got to me was the sudden image of us with Korbin in a moment just like that. Most of the time when I see babies who could be Korbin's age I am transported to another dimension where we're a happy family of three. I imagine what milestones he'd be at now. How we'd be handling work or family events. But in a moment like yesterday's I see and hear him talking to us. Exclaiming, excited, laughing. It's so incredibly beautiful, and it breaks my heart at the same time. It's bittersweet. The moment can be so happy, but the fact that it will never actually happen is so heartbreaking.
Thankfully, with Korbin's godfather, I don't have to worry if my tears are noticed. I generally can't stand crying in front of people (it is such huge a sign of weakness in my mind, and I don't need everyone thinking I'm so weak), but we have friends and family who I am actually becoming comfortable crying in front of; which is good because holding it in is awful.
Despite how heartbreaking and bittersweet these moments can be, and the tears that may follow them, I hope to continue to witness amazing parenting. Maybe it will all make me a better parent when I get the opportunity to actually be a parent (I am, I just don't get to be).
Because I got a lotta love to give.

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