Monday, July 22, 2013

Baby Steps

I hated hearing that term from people right after we lost Korbin. I guess more so I hated hearing the word baby since my baby was gone so suddenly. But, despite my pain and anger, life keeps going, especially for everyone else around us. Their world doesn't stop like ours did.
Maybe it's because of everyone else that we eventually just keep going too. They pull us out of the depression, slowly but surely, baby steps.
Some of it is pushing ourselves too. And recently, I have been taking my own baby steps when it comes to other's babies. First, I bought baby boy clothes for a friend who had her boy in June. That was rough. And then I went back recently to buy some baby girl clothes, and that was rough because I found the most adorable race car outfit and it made me think that I needed to buy it for Korbin but then I remembered I can't because he's gone. That was really rough. (I'm sure at this point the people at Target wonder why I'm about to cry whenever I go through the check out with baby items.) And finally, I held a baby. I have steered clear of newborns since losing Korbin, but told myself I needed to at least show up to this baby shower (in Vietnamese culture the shower is when the baby's one month old) and give the gift, maybe have a shot and then get home. Well, the baby was offered to me as soon as I got there. Not simply a 'look at her and how beautiful she is' but right away 'wanna hold her?!?' Who says no to that? A bitch. And I hate being such a bitch in the open. So I said yes. And then I went speechless and almost full on sobbing cried in front of everyone. I think this mom sensed my emotional distress and ended my emotional torment after just a few minutes. Thank God!
Now here's what's weird about losing a baby: I feel so guilty that I held this baby. Ashamed even. Like I cheated on Korbin and my possible future children. Seriously, how crazy is that? But it's really an awful feeling. Even though I literally went numb in the moment and can't even tell you what it physically felt like to hold this baby, emotionally it was still too much. 
What really gets to me now is how my joy for babies and women being pregnant was stolen from me. I used to love even just the idea of people having children, holding babies, seeing pregnant bellies. Now that's exactly what I don't want to see because I am still so jealous. It sucks. It totally sucks. But I guess I need to just keep trying.
Baby steps.
I got a lotta love to give.

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