We didn't need to hear that.

No, really, we didn't need to hear that.

An old close friend of Ryan's has been calling him and leaving messages a lot lately. Ry's kind of in the I-don't-have-energy-to-deal-with-this-right-now mode so he didn't call back until tonight. I thought I sensed a bit of a sort of chipperness in him saying how he needed to call this friend back. No one really reaches out to him consistently except one close friend of ours (compared to how busy I am keeping up with all the amazing people I am constantly surrounded with). I think he needed to know someone was really wanting to connect with him, to just hang out again.

Wrong. And here's where I'm still a bitch. And I seriously totally knew why he was calling. I said to myself when Ry called his friend, 'they're having another kid.' Yup, This friend called to announce three things: expecting again (stabbing pain in the heart), another boy (twist the knife so it really hurts), and they're due on Ry's and my anniversary (just rip it out already). I mean, isn't that just the best news? For them? (Maybe a bit of sarcasm....)

First I want to say that there does still exist a tiny part of me that smiles (only on the inside these days) when I find out someone we know is pregnant. I know first hand what a gift having your child with could be. But I only know because my beautiful gift was ripped from my life. I'm still angry and ask far too often 'why me, why us, why Korbin?' I waited my entire life for him, could not wait to hold him when I found out he was on his way, and then he was gone. So when people's babies don't just suddenly die in the night, or their heart's don't just stop for no apparent reason a week before their due date, or they're not just born too early to survive, it really is amazing. I can at least see that.

So let me attempt to put my odd reaction into perspective. When we lost Korbin, they said they knew exactly how we felt. Even in support group we don't dare say that to each other, and we've all had similar yet extremely different losses. Now, they did have a miscarriage. But their way of grieving and dealing was to forget and move on and just pray for a child to make up for what they lost. None of that can or will ever happen for us. Korbin will not be forgotten. We will not just simply move on. And I could never pray for a replacement child, because my child is irreplaceable. This is where I get angry because, if they even felt an ounce of what we've felt in our two very different losses, they should have never said a word. People have said the wrong thing even to this day, but not much of it has cut like that did. Especially with how much they needed to show off their first born to us after we lost Korbin. What also angers me is that they have never asked if we are okay, how we're dealing, what did we do to memorialize him. So many amazing people have surrounded us and done this in their own way. But not two of the people that before were so very close. They never even asked us what happened. I guess that's been really important to me. That people know what happened. Maybe it doesn't mean they get it, or know what to say still, but they asked and let me talk. Maybe it's so important because it explains who I am now. And why we react the way we do.

Okay, end rant! I honestly don't have this reaction with every person I know who gets pregnant. I have congratulated people, hugged them in excitement for their joy. But I still get really jealous at times. And certain things are triggers. People having boys are one. Thankfully most have had or are having girls. But when I see baby boy birth announcements I'm put into a funk for a good couple of weeks. To get such an announcement of expecting, sort of a triple whammy to my heart, was truly not what I, or we, needed right now. Hopefully I'm not back in a funk these next couple of weeks.

Thank God for Ryan, the puppy dogs, the gym, my garden, and friends and family and work....

I got a lotta love to give.