Broken

I can't hide from it. No matter how many people I hide and delete on Facebook, somewhere out there someone is giving birth and bringing their beautiful child home. And the picture shows up via someone else being tagged. That's great for them. They have their happy little family. Their baby didn't die. I should be happy for them. Grateful someone I know doesn't know my pain. But instead seeing their joy only breaks my heart more. Seeing a picture of my sister holding a new family member breaks it all over again. Because it should be Korbin, and because she's not smiling in the picture and I think it's my fault. People are so careful about baby stuff around me sometimes, knowing I'm sensitive to it all, and that even breaks my heart. Why should they hold back their joy just because I hurt so much? Why can't my sister have known Korbin and held him?

Sometimes it hurts so much I think I'll be sick. The pain is depressing. I mean, I shouldn't be hurting so much by now, right? It's been over a year. Korbin's dead. He's not magically returning. I get this. I know this. But I still sometimes go through the memories rapid fire and have that 'Oh. My. God. I was pregnant and I like actually had a real baby' gut wrenching emotion of just sudden devastation and loss at his absence in our lives. We keep going, and we don't get to take him along in life with us.

People say it's a choice to be happy and okay. Well, if that's true, it's most definitely not an easy one when every ounce of my being craves holding and loving my child. When every time a clip or picture or even someone walking by with an adorable boy instantly has me imagining what Korbin would look like and be doing now. How old he'd be, how much hair he would have, would he be trying to crawl or walk yet? I very much so wish I knew these things instead of just trying to imagine them.

I keep wondering when I'll find my strength in losing Korbin. Stephen Colbert did a lovely tribute to his mother who passed recently. In that tribute he told of his mother losing her husband and brother around the same time, and how she became the strong person, loving life and who she had left in it. I would love to say I feel so grateful that I still have Ryan, which I am. I don't know what I'd do without him. But I need Korbin too. And knowing I can't ever have what I need most now is keeping me broken; life is totally and completely incomplete. And I am so weak and fragile from feeling so broken. It sucks. I don't want to feel like crying from the moment I wake till the moment I finally pass out from emotional and mental exhaustion. But I do, because life is so cruel and unfair and I haven't seen the good in any of this. 

People keep having babies, and having more babies. And I just want the one I had.

I got a lotta love to give.