Nightmares on a whole new level

So I've posted about nightmares of just devastating loss before. Everything gone, and how empty I feel because of that. But as of late my nightmares have taken a new twist. They have become particularly gory and horrific, as if the devastating loss itself isn't painful enough.

The latest one woke me up in sobbing tears last night and I couldn't sleep afterward. I was full with child after already having lost Korbin. Things seemed fine until the weight of this new child literally ripped the lower part of my stomach open, leaving me a bloody mess with another dead child. I can't get the image out of my head, and it was so awful. I could care less about any physical pain, even in the nightmare that was non-existent. The only pain was the growing hole this new loss left within me, and how broken my heart felt now. And I was saying, 'why can't I just keep them in like everyone else.' Sobbing and heart broken, while pregnant women I know were happily giving birth successfully to their children all around me. I was so jealous.

And I am jealous. This nightmare is loaded with things I'm dealing with emotionally. The c-section and loss of Korbin, fears of future c-sections (which I have to have) and possible future losses, and also the coworker who is due any day now and who I have been avoiding at work because it hurts so much to see how happy she is. And it hurts because I so want to know that happiness. It makes me feel so bitter too. And jealous. My mind always gets to the point of questioning, 'why does so-and-so get all of their children and we don't get Korbin?' The drug addicts down the street, the alcoholic, the teen who doesn't want their kid, or the people who leave babies in toilets or dumpsters. It's a really sick joke that God allows those babies to be treated so horribly but he takes the ones who are truly wanted and hoped and wished and prayed for. It just doesn't add up to me.

I'm definitely stuck in a dark place emotionally. And it's terribly exhausting. I'm back to just surviving each day as I don't have the energy for anything more. But I have to keep reminding myself that someday, for hopefully some future little ones, I got a lotta love to give.