The lack of sleep I think is taking a bit of a toll on my work abilities. I haven't been making the best decisions about situations or even had much energy, if any at all, to greet and talk to patients. It's so exhausting. Top it off with training and figuring how to work with everyone's extremely different personalities, and I'm kind of at a breaking point at the moment.
And, because it couldn't get better (of course not), Seven killed first one of the neighbor's chicks, and then Big, one of ours. I was in denial about Big not surviving. I mean, she was chirping still, trying to stand, and we could open her mouth to give some salt water and water. Ry said that maybe she's just sick, and needs to rest up. But I think I knew it was more than that. Seven lunging at her so forcefully snapped her neck partially. She didn't have control of it, and was oddly stiff in the legs and her back arched. We kept her inside last night to monitor her, and that's when the worst of it started. At about 3am or so she started chirping hysterically, and then would calm for a bit, and then would start again. Around 5am I held her a bit, but then put her in her own box separate from the other two in the garage. I thought maybe she needed to hear them, they've grown up together after all.
The worst part came when I checked on her after work. Instead of sitting, she was completely on her side, beak open and eyes shut. And she had spit up and pooped after falling to her side. It broke my heart to see her lifeless like that, most likely in excruciating pain up until the last breath. I mean, I know she was just a chicken. I named them Big, Medium and Small so that I wouldn't get attached. But, it's just brought back so much of our experience with Korbin. We were helpless, and all we did was watch he slowly passed away. I hope he wasn't in pain, but who knows.
And even though I feel like I'd been locking away my pain and tears these last few weeks, right now I can't control the sobbing. The tears just keep falling. I must be traumatized still. And losing Big, the helplessness, and seeing and hearing her pain, has left me feeling so empty.
I know she was just a chicken, but it's all just brought back everything I felt in losing Korbin. Even though losing a chicken is nothing compared to losing a child, it's definitely been a painful reminder of losing him.
She was just a chicken, but I still got a lotta love to give.
Im sorry about Big, it oddly took me back to when I was a child and I was so devastated that our dog had attacked all our chickens, the last one that survived lived for a day or 2 until it just fell on its side, poor thing, a dying chicken cannot be compared to loosing a child as I know, but we are so sensitive that even the little things we think are ridiculous remind us of our children. I have also had a few dreams where things disappear, one was where everything in my sons room was gone and the other one was where the whole world around me was disappearing, just melting away, Ive related it to fear of my loss but also to hold onto hope.
ReplyDeleteI hope this week turns out a little bit more brighter for you xx