This is an annual European car cruise we've been participating in off and on since we joined the group. It's grown to include so many people that I hardly know anyone when we go, but it's a beautiful drive regardless. Last year I was happily pregnant and worried about how often I'd make Hil stop (he was driving Ry and me) so I could pee; Korbin's tiny weight was really starting to affect my bladder! So as the cruise date drew nearer for this year's cruise, I felt slightly apprehensive about how it would affect me emotionally. Would I cry? Would it bring back too many memories I'm not sure I want to deal with? Going to events I experienced while pregnant last year always make me feel this way.
Yet this year I actually felt excited to be driving my own car. (And probably showing it off too.) It's lowered, and for the first time I have after market rims on my own car. It's beautiful, honestly.
Well, It poured the entire way. And then the skies parted over Port Townsend. It really turned out to be a gorgeous afternoon there. And I have to admit, I enjoyed myself. For the first time since we lost Korbin, I didn't have a break down from imagining what it would be like if he were with us. Even after seeing so many young couples with new little ones in tow. And I didn't even have to try and push the sad thoughts out of my mind. I thought of him, and I wished he were with us. But I was also able to focus on the time with Ryan, talking about the group, the cars, and catching up with some old friends. It seriously was so nice.
I hope for more days like this. For the longing wishes for his presence to not always feel so devastatingly heart breaking. I will always think of him and wish deep down he were with us still. I just don't see that part of my grief ever being gone. But I do hope that some time in the future, I can think of him and smile when I wish for his presence. To have it be a happy longing thought.
Because no matter what happens, Korbin will always be in my heart.
I got a lotta love to give.
yay! so happy to hear you had a nice trip ... what you wrote was beautiful.
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