Exhausted

Physically, I'm exhausted from all the yard work I've done the past four days. Weeding and rearranging, yard cleanup and starting a new fence. But I'm exhausted emotionally now too. We went to my dad's for dinner (we haven't seen them in a little while), and I tensed up a bit at the thought of going there. I enjoy my family, but I'm learning that I'm actually not okay enough to support others in their own grief. At least not right now.
After my grandma passed, my step mom has been having such a rough time. We've texted, hugged and cried. But now I just almost panic when I know I'll see her. Her pain is completely understandable, but I just can't handle it. Especially when she starts to ask how I've dealt with the physical pain, when I was okay getting out of bed in the morning again, and if it still hurts to miss Korbin. You'd think it'd be easier for me now, 10 months out of losing Korbin. But instead I'm in a weird touchy stage of absolutely not wanting to go there. I dread people asking me about Korbin, even the random stranger asking if I have kids. I was so strong for a point in time. And now, even though I allow myself time and space to cry on my own, I fear the pain and crying in front of others.
And maybe it's because I'm in such a different stage of my grief. I've been doing my best to carry myself, and even Ryan, through the past 10 months, I can't step back to month two and be there again. Obviously I'd go back in time and fix things so Korbin was still here, but reliving the pain, no thank you! I just can't handle it. It was rough enough the first time around. And it's not that I don't feel the pain any more, it's there every day in everything I do. I am just making a continuous conscious decision to survive the pain and keep going. I have to. To go to work when I don't care to, to cook and clean and answer my phone or email someone back. It takes so much energy to keep up with surviving. I just don't have enough energy to give to others right now.
And it sucks, because even though I don't have the energy, I still got a lotta love to give.