Where am I

The past couple of weeks have felt pretty rough emotionally. And, as I've been trying to put a more positive spin on my writing here, I haven't felt any positive energy to write at all. Where am I now? Sad, bitter, frustrated, heart-broken, empty, alone.... The list goes on. What got me back to this point? A commercial for Mother's Day. It brought me to tears, and left me feeling so deprived of what (who) I want and need here with me and with Ryan that my still fragile emotional state took a nose dive.
A year ago I was so happy and excited as my first Mother's Day approached. I received two beautiful cards, from one of my sisters and my best friend, which surprised me as so many don't recognize a pregnant woman as a mother, but simply a mother-to-be. Maybe that's what's wrong with society and why bereaved parents like myself are ignored. We were simply parents-to-be and so were never actually recognized as parents. I know some who see this about myself, and about Ryan. Someday we'll be parents, but we aren't there yet. And that is so incredibly frustrating, it honestly drives me crazy.
Thankfully I have surrounded my Facebook presence with as many support-filled groups as I can find; Tears, PS, Angel Gowns and many others. When I check my news feed, I see uplifting articles and statements of love and recognition that I think friends and family have deep down inside to say but find it so difficult to actually say out loud. One group posted an article that really spoke to me and my current state: Healing Mother's Day
http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/04/healing-mothers-day/
I learned that Mother's Day was created to honor a bereaved mother who had experienced many losses. How has this day morphed to now forget and ignore those it originally sought to uplift? When did society start forgetting the real meaning of Mother's Day? Maybe Hallmark had something to do with it, but we don't need to go into why I hate card shopping and what I think they are taking away from every event and feeling in life. That's a rant for a different blog.
There's a quote I think I'll put up on my chalk board in the kitchen so that I see it every day:
“A Mother is not defined by the number of children you see, but by the love that she holds in her heart.” – Franchesca Cox
Even I need to remind myself of this because the lack of recognition from society is honestly so oppressive it can make even me forget at times.
But I am a mother, with a heart overflowing with love, and I got a lotta love to give.

A Year Ago Today

A year ago today one of the docs I work with grabbed my hand and pulled me into an ultrasound room to see what I was having. I was about 18weeks, and it was her way of showing her excitement for me. I so wanted to know, but also desperately wanted to find out with Ryan.
So we made a deal, the ultrasound tech would take a picture of Baby Love, write on it boy or girl, place this into an envelope and hand that sealed envelope to me. Ry wanted a girl, I wanted a boy. When we opened the envelope before heading to our first Bumps and Babies fair, I couldn't stop grinning, Ryan just said, 'oh.' At the fair, I excitedly started piling up all the cutest boys clothes I could find. Suddenly, Ry looked up at me, his eyes huge, and said grinning, 'we can get a race care bed!'
Ah, such happy moments. Wondering about the future, I do get a bit excited. Fleeting moments. I want to look forward to all of that again, no matter how guarded I'll be with my excitement.
Because I got a lotta love to give.

Exhausted

Physically, I'm exhausted from all the yard work I've done the past four days. Weeding and rearranging, yard cleanup and starting a new fence. But I'm exhausted emotionally now too. We went to my dad's for dinner (we haven't seen them in a little while), and I tensed up a bit at the thought of going there. I enjoy my family, but I'm learning that I'm actually not okay enough to support others in their own grief. At least not right now.
After my grandma passed, my step mom has been having such a rough time. We've texted, hugged and cried. But now I just almost panic when I know I'll see her. Her pain is completely understandable, but I just can't handle it. Especially when she starts to ask how I've dealt with the physical pain, when I was okay getting out of bed in the morning again, and if it still hurts to miss Korbin. You'd think it'd be easier for me now, 10 months out of losing Korbin. But instead I'm in a weird touchy stage of absolutely not wanting to go there. I dread people asking me about Korbin, even the random stranger asking if I have kids. I was so strong for a point in time. And now, even though I allow myself time and space to cry on my own, I fear the pain and crying in front of others.
And maybe it's because I'm in such a different stage of my grief. I've been doing my best to carry myself, and even Ryan, through the past 10 months, I can't step back to month two and be there again. Obviously I'd go back in time and fix things so Korbin was still here, but reliving the pain, no thank you! I just can't handle it. It was rough enough the first time around. And it's not that I don't feel the pain any more, it's there every day in everything I do. I am just making a continuous conscious decision to survive the pain and keep going. I have to. To go to work when I don't care to, to cook and clean and answer my phone or email someone back. It takes so much energy to keep up with surviving. I just don't have enough energy to give to others right now.
And it sucks, because even though I don't have the energy, I still got a lotta love to give.

Milk and cookies

So, this little nightly tradition started with Ryan's craving for Oreos when I was pregnant last year. We were at Costco and he just kept asking me, 'do you want Oreos? Should we find Oreos?' Finally I said, 'well you obviously want some, so let's get some!' The box we got lasted forever it seemed. But, and this may sound gross but I promise it's not too bad, the last few are in the cupboard in the kitchen still, wrapped up in their plastic case.
There's a part of me that still holds so tightly to that part of being pregnant. The little things we started doing that came to such an abrupt halt.
We bought some Oreos last week, and when we finished them Ry looked at me and said, 'we need to get some more.' I suggested the Costco pack. It's actually really nice to bring such a silly little tradition back. It's bittersweet, but I do enjoy it; a happy memory of being pregnant. And since we're out of Oreos I baked some homemade chocolate chip cookies. Just some sweets for my sweet, even though that sounds just so corny!
I got a lotta love to give.

Port Townsend Cruise 2013

This is an annual European car cruise we've been participating in off and on since we joined the group. It's grown to include so many people that I hardly know anyone when we go, but it's a beautiful drive regardless. Last year I was happily pregnant and worried about how often I'd make Hil stop (he was driving Ry and me) so I could pee; Korbin's tiny weight was really starting to affect my bladder! So as the cruise date drew nearer for this year's cruise, I felt slightly apprehensive about how it would affect me emotionally. Would I cry? Would it bring back too many memories I'm not sure I want to deal with? Going to events I experienced while pregnant last year always make me feel this way.
Yet this year I actually felt excited to be driving my own car. (And probably showing it off too.) It's lowered, and for the first time I have after market rims on my own car. It's beautiful, honestly.
Well, It poured the entire way. And then the skies parted over Port Townsend. It really turned out to be a gorgeous afternoon there. And I have to admit, I enjoyed myself. For the first time since we lost Korbin, I didn't have a break down from imagining what it would be like if he were with us. Even after seeing so many young couples with new little ones in tow. And I didn't even have to try and push the sad thoughts out of my mind. I thought of him, and I wished he were with us. But I was also able to focus on the time with Ryan, talking about the group, the cars, and catching up with some old friends. It seriously was so nice.
I hope for more days like this. For the longing wishes for his presence to not always feel so devastatingly heart breaking. I will always think of him and wish deep down he were with us still. I just don't see that part of my grief ever being gone. But I do hope that some time in the future, I can think of him and smile when I wish for his presence. To have it be a happy longing thought.
Because no matter what happens, Korbin will always be in my heart.
I got a lotta love to give.

Woe is Me

I definitely feel like the average reader of my blog must be so over how down my posts are. And why would anyone want to keep reading that? Unless, of course, they are dealing with a devastating loss as well. But still, my posts all end up being so woe is me, which honestly bugs me too.
I'm going to tell a story about my past, but please don't judge me. In middle school I had a friend who was a great person, but she had a lot of emotional issues she was trying to work through. She didn't have a great home life, she smoked, and she had psoriasis that she was always trying to cover up. We hung out all the time, and over time she would tell me about her problems over and over and over again. I wanted so much to be the best positive influence I could be, by being encouraging, offering alternatives to anything she felt was a problem. I even researched medications and new treatments and cost comparisons for her psoriasis. But it was like she never listened to me. She hated smoking and hiding it, but would never quit. And then the nightmares started. I started losing sleep. And then I 'broke up' with her. I just couldn't handle the constant negativity any longer.
Why did I tell that story? Because I don't want to be that girl from middle school who was just always down and never tried to do better. I guess I do try, by throwing myself into work, studying for my certification, doing yard work and even fixing the house still. But I feel like my blog doesn't show for it. Maybe because this is where I let out what's deep down inside that I try to keep down so I can get through the day without an emotional breakdown. There are triggers constantly throughout the day, and it takes so much strength and energy to not let them bring me down. But sometimes they do get the better of me, and that's when I blog most.
So, I'd like to try something new to add to this blog. I have my 'A Year Ago Today' posts that are important for memorializing Korbin. But I'd like to add 'What Makes Me Happy' posts to try and lighten things up a bit. In reading my self help books, I've learned that I seriously have to choose happiness, to survive losing Korbin. It really is so easy to let my broken heart take over and make me crumple to a sobbing mess curled up in the fetal position on the couch. But maybe if I focus on some of the things I do to fill my days that make me happy, it will help me too.
This will be an interesting experiment. And maybe it will help me really know that deep down I still got a lotta love to give.

Korbin's Star

The head lady at Boys and Girls Club (where I volunteered/tutored up until Korbin was born), Elana, has been telling me they have something for me and so I need to stop by. For whatever reason I've had trouble going back. There aren't babies there, and the last time I ran into the kids they were just amazing. So why do I stay away? Maybe it's because it's just hard to jump back into things, so I've been slowly doing more and more. And probably also because work has kept me so busy lately. Who knows.
So I finally stopped by today, and I am so glad I did. Elana handed me the box and I knew what it was before even opening it. I felt stunned and just stood there holding it, and awkwardly Elana finally told me I can open it so I did.
And it's perfect. A star named for Korbin, right next to Gemini, which Korbin was, having been born June 1st. I had thought about it, especially since I have one from Ry and my mom. (Now Ry just needs one; someday....)
This was just so thoughtful, and they are such wonderful people there. I think I will go back. Not right this week. But soon. I am so thankful to have them in my life.
And because I got a lotta love to give.