Helper

All too often Ryan and I (okay, mostly Ryan, I'll admit) can be a bit over-the-top about things being put away at home. I slack at times because I'll have multiple projects being worked on at once that, if they're put away, I'll forget about them. Anyway, things must be orderly and in their place. Children mess with this perfect order. Big time.

I'll put all of my old paperwork in a shred pile, and P will see it and promptly pull it apart piece by piece and spread it everywhere. I'll hang up clean diaper covers to dry, or have inserts and covers in a bin ready to put together for daycare. And P will dig out anything he can, and spread them everywhere. We pick up his toys and put them in baskets. He pulls them out. And spreads them everywhere. Notice the pattern?

Honestly, all I can do is smile. Which is such a better alternative to getting frustrated and yelling when he has no idea he's messing anything up to begin with. To help me maintain that positive spin, I say, "are you helping?" with a smile on my face. And P just smiles and keeps up with the good help.

It really is good help. For my frame of mind, my sanity. P helps me remember that everything will be okay, even when things are messy. The mess is temporary. And oddly, I'm thankful for these messy moments. They bring me fully present into reality and out of the robot get through life mode that I tend to fall into so often still.

Because I got a litta love to give.

Spilled Milk

There's the saying, "There's no use crying over spilled milk." Well, whoever wrote that was never a working/pumping mom! Breast is such liquid gold, full of amazing healing and nutritional properties, that every drop must be used and not go to waste.

That being said, my rather large freezer stash from my oversupply days (thank you NICU lactation consultants for stressing me out by saying that I just wasn't producing enough...) has hundreds of ounces near their 'expiration.' Roughly a year in the deep freezer can be too long. So, I posted info to a few pages on Facebook and found a match. P will not get through it as he gets fresh from me, plus one frozen bottle a day while I'm away at work. I can't stand the thought of just throwing it out, therefore it must be put to good use.

What 210oz looks like....

This mama is amazing. Battling a disease that requires medications that tank her supply. She would stay off as long as possible to build her supply, then get back on the meds to have it tank immediately, and then repeat. I cannot fathom having a hurdle like that. After all we've been through, thank you God I can nurse my boy!

Hearing this, I now was able to finally let go a little of the milk I've amassed during my own nursing journey. It's crazy the relationship one builds with their supply.

We met nearby, and as she got out of her car I wanted to hug her, but wasn't sure if she would reciprocate. Then she kind of leaned in and said she had to hug me. I almost cried, it became such an intimate and emotional moment. I'm able to nourish her child the best way she sees fit. She may not be able to nurse, but her baby still gets the magical liquid gold her body needs.

Just amazing.

Kind of an instant bond between two total strangers. Her gratitude, completely not necessary, but so incredibly heart warming.

I will do this again.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Opinions

You can read about this anywhere on the internet these days. How moms need to band together and support each other despite our differing opinions on parenting. Because we're all just doing the same thing: taking care of our children the best way we see fit.

I know I can be judgy. There's just a huge difference between thinking the judgment and acting upon it. What I have chosen is not what works for every other parent out there, nor every child for that matter. (There are few things that this does not really cover, however, vaccines being one of them because that affects my childand  every other child one will come into contact with...but that's a post for another day!)

Depsite knowing that we all will judge, it still takes me aback when I am confronted with anothers judgmental attitude. For instance, at a family function recently, one family brought up how long I was continuing to breastfeed P. I calmly said that I'm letting him self wean, which may be a while. This person said she just can't understand nursing a child who can ask for it, that it's just plain wierd. And furthermore, she just doesn't want to see it. So. Much. Judgment.

I said that I'll nurse him till he's four or five if that's how long it goes, and I don't mind the length of time people nurse. I did not comment on nursing in public, but instead nursed P (at the dinner table!) just after dinner.

I then came across this great article to all those judging outwardly, and it all boiled down to this one major point: you don't have to watch.

Yes! If you don't want to see it, you don't have to look, stare, or even comment on it. I think snot is disgusting, and I'd rather not see kids blow their nose. So will you just keep that to a bathroom stall from now on please? I know you have a tossue in your purse that's super handy, but I really don't want to see that. Or I can just not watch it!

Ry pointed out on the way home from dinner that night that P already asks for it. He may not say 'milk' but we both know when he's asking to nurse. Not gonna stop, especially with the APA saying to continue at least four times a day till age two.

We need to build each other up, support each other in our differing approaches to parenting. Because we're all just doing the best we can. I know I am.

And I got a lotta love to give.

Easter 2015

For some reason I kept thinking this was Ps first Easter, but his first was just after being released from the NICU. And I'm pretty sure we just stayed home and enjoyed time with him.

This year was different. We went to church, he got a special outfit, we put some toys in a basket for him (pretty sure he still doesn't get the gift receiving thing, so precious). I felt like I went all out.

I even got the day off work (after arriving and getting things started, I was then told to get home just in time to join everyone for chirch).

It was such a nice day with Ryan and P and family. I so look forward to more. And more church. It made me realise that I've really been missing that in my life. I pray, and read the bible on occasion. But I miss a good traditional church service, with the hymnal and prays and hymns and gospel and lessons and communion. All of it. But nothing new agey or rock bandish. And one that actually wants to be a part of the community. Something to work toward, I guess, as I'm it on Sundays at work. They'll have to understand at some point.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Another Motto to Live By

Do what you love, and love what you do. For me, I definitely love what I do. Working with patients and in the lab, I've found the perfect balance in my work in the fertility world. But lately, especially after getting to be a mom to my wonderful Mr. P, I've begun questioning whether I really do what I love.

Can they be two separate things? For me, yes. With the latter part of the motto, despite not making it into med school and become a surgeon like I'd ensvisioned, I've found I truly love the balance of lab benchwork and patient interaction. I start my day assessing embryos to give patients the best odds possible, and end telling those patients how we came this point in their cycle. Seeing their emotion in the lrocess reinforces my drive to keep doing this five days a week. It's never boring or repetitive, as each day has it's own challenges. All things I sought in medicine, and have found in this clinical lab setting. It's wonderful to feel so fulfilled in my career.

Outside of my career, however, is a whole other story. I know I love what I do, but am I really doing what I love? After becoming a mom to P, what has been left behind that I feel is lacking? Art, creativity. Sketching. Painting. Creating. I so miss it. Every so often there's a smidgen of time to whip out a quick sketch. But I'd love to desicate more time to creating with a purpose. Within that I would need to find the perfect balance of art and science (because I'm still a nerd, after all). And doing enough to feel fulfilled but not so much it becomes a chore that I have to get done just to get it done and out. A new challenge! I love challenges.

Trying something new is always stressful, sketching is my greatest destressor.

Nothing crazy, but boy did it feel good. Amazing what a small amount of me time can do!

Now back to mothering my little man.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

One. Year. Old.

One year old! I am in disbelief, and yet thrilled at the same time. My baby is getting so big, and is still my baby at the same time.

It's amazing how time has flown by this past year. With our first real nursing strike over (thank God! as Ry said, P and I have now worked out our differences), I've been reflecting so much on what it felt like to bring P home from the NICU. There was such a jumble of emotions and feelings. Elated, scared, so full of love, and overwhelmed. And peaceful. That first afternoon at home, just Ryan, P, and me, it was peaceful.

I've also been reflecting on how I feel as a mom. In a word: awkward. Am I doing anything right? God only knows. P has done well so far, I guess that says something. Right!?!

So what is P doing now, so much! He eats everything. I mean EVERYTHING. A lemon made him do this hilarious head quiver body shake...and so he kept eating it. Hilarious! Mushrooms, peas, green beans, carrots, apples, bananas, eggs, chicken, anything except tuna at this point. No matter how we cook it, he chows down. He loved chicken curry! I know this stage won't last forever, so I'm enjoying it for now!

He just started real crawling, and it melts my heart to watch him! He is so adorable. The cutest baby here on Earth, and yes, I know I'm biased. He is also scaling everything and has figured out how to open cabinets. We bought a gate to separate him and the dogs as Seven gets excited and will walk all over him. And Bear is still an old, grumpy dog. Separation is best for now. They do interact, but it's definitely with a watchful eye.

P babbles and tries to communicate with us more, points at things, notices shadows, and dances back and forth to music, too. He does this hilarious sucking in style laugh when he's really cracking up at Ryan (yes, I said AT).

Today we had his first birthday party, and we squeezed family and friends into our tiny home. I kind of went all out (for me), having printed invites mailed and baking cupcakes, making my own paper decorations. This is really the only first birthday I get to plan and make happen, I had to really do it all. And I'm so glad I did. The decor turned our great, P was surrounded by so many people who love and adore him, and we had a blast watching him take it all in.

Turns out P is more of a clean freak than we realized, not wanting the whipped cream in his smash pie all over his hands. But he soon figured out how delicious a treat it was.

I am so looking forward to many more birthdays! I am so grateful P has survived (and thrived in) his first year here with us. He is such a joy to watch and learn with.

Here's to many more years!!

Because we got a lotta love to give.

Weaning

Two nights ago, P bit me five times in a row. It really hurt and I had to tell him no very sternly. And then he ended up just crying himself to sleep in my arms.

Oh, what a tough ride it's been since that moment. He has only nursed twice since then. Only letting himself get close enough so his lips touch and arching his back away from me and crying. And it totally breaks my heart. I don't want him to think he can't nurse any longer. I am far from ready for that. And yet he's resisting now and I can't force him to nurse if he's not willing to.

This has made me rethink my nursing goals and what the true goal is. My goals have been to make it at least a year (so close, so close!), and then beyond to 13.5mo (adjusted age of one year), and ideally two years old even if only first thing in the morning and at bed time. Two days ago I was feeling so happy and confident of thr one year and even 13.5mo goals. Easy, right? P was still nursing 5-6 times per day, in the least. Now, who knows if he'll make it to 13.5mo?

It is so emotional for me. I miss the connection and bonding. I miss him needing me so much. He still comes up to me as though he does, but then pushes me away.

I am so not ready for this. So completely not ready for my baby to not be a baby any more. It honestly breaks my heart, which is probably just the hormones talking. But oye is it rough!

I just need him to need me still.

Beacause I got a lotta love to give.