Another Motto to Live By

Do what you love, and love what you do. For me, I definitely love what I do. Working with patients and in the lab, I've found the perfect balance in my work in the fertility world. But lately, especially after getting to be a mom to my wonderful Mr. P, I've begun questioning whether I really do what I love.

Can they be two separate things? For me, yes. With the latter part of the motto, despite not making it into med school and become a surgeon like I'd ensvisioned, I've found I truly love the balance of lab benchwork and patient interaction. I start my day assessing embryos to give patients the best odds possible, and end telling those patients how we came this point in their cycle. Seeing their emotion in the lrocess reinforces my drive to keep doing this five days a week. It's never boring or repetitive, as each day has it's own challenges. All things I sought in medicine, and have found in this clinical lab setting. It's wonderful to feel so fulfilled in my career.

Outside of my career, however, is a whole other story. I know I love what I do, but am I really doing what I love? After becoming a mom to P, what has been left behind that I feel is lacking? Art, creativity. Sketching. Painting. Creating. I so miss it. Every so often there's a smidgen of time to whip out a quick sketch. But I'd love to desicate more time to creating with a purpose. Within that I would need to find the perfect balance of art and science (because I'm still a nerd, after all). And doing enough to feel fulfilled but not so much it becomes a chore that I have to get done just to get it done and out. A new challenge! I love challenges.

Trying something new is always stressful, sketching is my greatest destressor.

Nothing crazy, but boy did it feel good. Amazing what a small amount of me time can do!

Now back to mothering my little man.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

One. Year. Old.

One year old! I am in disbelief, and yet thrilled at the same time. My baby is getting so big, and is still my baby at the same time.

It's amazing how time has flown by this past year. With our first real nursing strike over (thank God! as Ry said, P and I have now worked out our differences), I've been reflecting so much on what it felt like to bring P home from the NICU. There was such a jumble of emotions and feelings. Elated, scared, so full of love, and overwhelmed. And peaceful. That first afternoon at home, just Ryan, P, and me, it was peaceful.

I've also been reflecting on how I feel as a mom. In a word: awkward. Am I doing anything right? God only knows. P has done well so far, I guess that says something. Right!?!

So what is P doing now, so much! He eats everything. I mean EVERYTHING. A lemon made him do this hilarious head quiver body shake...and so he kept eating it. Hilarious! Mushrooms, peas, green beans, carrots, apples, bananas, eggs, chicken, anything except tuna at this point. No matter how we cook it, he chows down. He loved chicken curry! I know this stage won't last forever, so I'm enjoying it for now!

He just started real crawling, and it melts my heart to watch him! He is so adorable. The cutest baby here on Earth, and yes, I know I'm biased. He is also scaling everything and has figured out how to open cabinets. We bought a gate to separate him and the dogs as Seven gets excited and will walk all over him. And Bear is still an old, grumpy dog. Separation is best for now. They do interact, but it's definitely with a watchful eye.

P babbles and tries to communicate with us more, points at things, notices shadows, and dances back and forth to music, too. He does this hilarious sucking in style laugh when he's really cracking up at Ryan (yes, I said AT).

Today we had his first birthday party, and we squeezed family and friends into our tiny home. I kind of went all out (for me), having printed invites mailed and baking cupcakes, making my own paper decorations. This is really the only first birthday I get to plan and make happen, I had to really do it all. And I'm so glad I did. The decor turned our great, P was surrounded by so many people who love and adore him, and we had a blast watching him take it all in.

Turns out P is more of a clean freak than we realized, not wanting the whipped cream in his smash pie all over his hands. But he soon figured out how delicious a treat it was.

I am so looking forward to many more birthdays! I am so grateful P has survived (and thrived in) his first year here with us. He is such a joy to watch and learn with.

Here's to many more years!!

Because we got a lotta love to give.

Weaning

Two nights ago, P bit me five times in a row. It really hurt and I had to tell him no very sternly. And then he ended up just crying himself to sleep in my arms.

Oh, what a tough ride it's been since that moment. He has only nursed twice since then. Only letting himself get close enough so his lips touch and arching his back away from me and crying. And it totally breaks my heart. I don't want him to think he can't nurse any longer. I am far from ready for that. And yet he's resisting now and I can't force him to nurse if he's not willing to.

This has made me rethink my nursing goals and what the true goal is. My goals have been to make it at least a year (so close, so close!), and then beyond to 13.5mo (adjusted age of one year), and ideally two years old even if only first thing in the morning and at bed time. Two days ago I was feeling so happy and confident of thr one year and even 13.5mo goals. Easy, right? P was still nursing 5-6 times per day, in the least. Now, who knows if he'll make it to 13.5mo?

It is so emotional for me. I miss the connection and bonding. I miss him needing me so much. He still comes up to me as though he does, but then pushes me away.

I am so not ready for this. So completely not ready for my baby to not be a baby any more. It honestly breaks my heart, which is probably just the hormones talking. But oye is it rough!

I just need him to need me still.

Beacause I got a lotta love to give.

Lost forever

I read this recently and it just rings so true for me:

“I lost an infant, a toddler, and I’ll lose a teenage and an adult son,” said Fitzgerald-Zita, a freelance writer. “You just continue to lose that for the rest of your life.” 

Baby Love, My Baby Love.

I got a lotta love to give.

Taking it all in

Life gets hectic. And with the craziness comes that exhausted, overwhelmed feeling, with nerves slightly fried. Trying to squeeze so much into one day, I find myself forgetting that there's this amazing little person who is changing every day.

I realized last week that P is turning one soon, and I won't have my little baby any more. I will have this adorable just-about-toddler, but the baby days are quickly slipping away. Last week my one day of just P and me was suddenly full with something that had to be done sooner than later. With everything organized, including leaving P in daycare for the day, I found myself near tears that I'd be missing another day with my little man. That we only have so many Fridays left before he's one. Daycare was canceled, and we spent Friday together, busy as it was. We at least had time together!

So much is still happening day to day. From planning Ps first birthday perty at our home, to final touches on our nearly complete bathroom remodel, to crafty art projects, making dinner and washing diapers and deciding what foods to send with P to daycare the next day and laundry and thinking about this blog and wishing I could get to it more often.

Today I started to get caught up in all of the above things, until I realized P was doing his best to speed crawl behind me and keep up with me as I raced around the house. He just needed me.

He nursed, and fell asleep in my arms, and all I could do was hold him close and smile at this beautiful little being, who's ot so little any more!

I miss my baby (babies, really), but I love love LOVE seeing who P is becoming. And so I'm forcing the slow down moments to take it all in.

Because I got a lotta love to give.