Peace

Since participating in the #captureyourgrief project in October, I have been reflecting, reflecting, reflecting. I started the project to figure out where I am in my grief journey. Am I okay? Am I struggling? Slipping or climbing?

Sifting through my emotions for the first part of October seemed like such a therapeutic thing to do. At first. As I posted each day, the project turned from therapeutic and freeing to leading me down a path of total despair once again, leaving my heart ripped open anew. I even started having terrifying dreams, heart and gut wrenching nightmares. The project brought me back to day zero.

Some may think that to go back to those precious short moments with Korbin is good to remember. But the pain from those bittersweet memories settled in and gripped tightest around my heart again. A fellow support group member posted about going through something similar with the project, so I replied with my sympathies and that I was struggling as well. Then I said that maybe it's okay to let things be at peace instead of trudging through it all again.

Though it was meant in support to another, I know deep down I needed to admit it to myself. Remind myself, really. Because the pain of Korbin's physical absence will never go away, will never lessen or be easier. It's how I handle the pain. Whether I let it take me down a horrible spiral into nothingness, or let it be and find some inner strength to be happy, at peace. There are people here in life to be happy for; Ryan, Parker. Family and friends. Is it hard? It's been the hardest thing to just keep going since June 1, 2012. But I have to.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Day 19: Music

Day 19: Music. Songs of lost love are really what get to me. Loving a child is probably the deepest love one can know. I could only liken the heartache to a moment when I thought I'd lost Ryan forever. Indescribable. 'Wide Awake' by Katy Perry really captured my feelings, especially the lyrics above. Life was so perfect and beautiful, like a dream. And I was ripped into reality, literally crashing down from how high on life I was.

But I still got a lotta love to give.

Day 18: Seasons

Day 18: Seasons. Spring is new life after the harsh darkness of the winter. And yet I have the hardest time with Spring now, and it's transition into summer. I remember so looking forward to my growing belly, to Korbin getting big and plump and ready for the outside world. It's crazy how quickly life changes, and what an imprint it leaves on your heart.

But I still got a lotta love to give.

Day 5: Empathy

I so cherish the moments when others say Korbin's name. It's comforting to know Ryan and I aren't the only ones thinking of him. I have a friend who often calls Parker Korbin when asking about P. And though I think she feels bad for thr slip up, I love it. It always makes me smile. Others may think to not mention Korbin to protect our hearts, but talking about him can only help us heal.

Because we got a lotta love to give.

Day 4: Light and Dark

I had to capture this quote because it represents my daily struggle. That life is bittersweet. Even the happiest of moments are tinged with sadness, knowing they are really not complete, that someone is missing. But we just have to keep going and find the most joy possible in each moment.

Because we got a lotta love to give.

Day 3: Honour

This project/journey is in loving memory of our first son, Korbin Sadiq Love. Most times when strangers ask if P is our first, it's easy to say, 'no, we had a son before him.' But there are days where it's too hard on my heart to even fully answer and the best I can get out is, 'he's our first son with us.' I have to acknowledge K, though, or I feel so guilty. Because he was wanted and still is so loved and missed.

And because I got a lotta love to give.

Day 2: Intention

I intend to not let my grief overshadow the beautiful blessing I have with me, in the name of my precious child, Korbin. There are days where I feel I will be swallowed up by grief when something triggers the tears to flow. But I have to keep my eyes on Parker and remember that he IS here and needs me and so I must be here for him.

Because I got a lotta love to give.