Present or Captured

Saturday mornings we like to take it easy, lounge around and eat breakfast and drink coffee while watching music videos on VH1 (yes, there's a station that actually plays music videos!). Well, a new Ed Sheeran song was set to video clips of him growing up, capturing small yet big moments like walking, crawling, and early music lessons. Totally a cute video, yet it sent me into a momentary panic as I couldn't remember taking any videos of P these past 16 months.

And then I got so sad. It's too late to catch up. You can't turn back the clock and relive such wonderful moments. (We know this all too well, unfortunately.)

Of course, upon checking the video section of my phone, I found more videos than I had remembered taking. Whew!

I really do take so many pictures, and even videos. At times I have to force myself to put down my phone and just enjoy the moment. But I so desperately want to capture it all, to preserve it and hold onto it for, well, forever. Of course, the memories are in my mind and my heart, but memories fade over time.

(And of course, another fact we know all too well.) And so I find myself caught between being present in each moment and needing to capture them to be able relive them over and over again. The only thing that brings me to put my phone down and stop snapping pictures and taking videos is thinking about generations past. What did they have? Maybe a family portrait once in their life time? A few times if they were lucky? Many people today don't find themselvesdrowning  in photos, either. I remember a coworker telling me she has 20 photos from her wedding and that was just all you got back then (in the 80s). In this digital age, we received over 1,500 to go through and choose from. Overwhelming to the point that I still don't have a wedding album put together.

And on the flip side, the few precious moments captured with Korbin are already carefully scrapbooked, and copied and saved everywhere possible.

This just fuels my desire to capture every fleeting moment, because you never know when or if you'll get creamed by a semi (morbid, but that is honestly how I look at life these days, no regrets as tomorrow I could get creamed...). I'm just so afraid of missing something, or forgetting completely.

I guess there really isn't any right way to go about this. I'll capture moments and I'll let moments slip by. And I'll treasure every second of them, relivable or not.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Baby Clothes

Man, who knew going through and passing on baby clothes could be so emotional? Well, I guess I kind of knew. I remember my dad having us sit down with my step mom to go through all of Sarah's and Roland's baby clothes to donate stuff. She got so upset, and understandably so, as she'd just had her third or fourth miscarriage in just a few short years. She wasn't ready to be done just yet.

I gave all of Ps clothes to Chelsea, knowing full well she may have a girl. But I guess a part of me wanted her to have a boy just so I could selfishly still be attached to those precious outfits somehow. She's had her beautiful little girl now, and so the majority of the clothes just aren't quite girly enough. No big deal, I know some other pregnant friends who will need boy clothes. I'd so rather they get the clothes than donate them. At least I could still see an outfit or two. But I can't really ask for them back now. Not like I felt I could with Chelsea.

The hardest part is coming to the realization that I most likely don't need them back. I want them, because I'm not done. But we don't even know if we could 'safely' try to have even just one more kiddo. We're working on figuring that all out, but until then, we are technically done. And I'm having such a hard time with that.

The clothes are so much more than bags of clothes. They're a chapter we're probably already done with. It's a hard chapter, one I feel I could do again, but Ry isn't so sure (in fact, he knows he couldn't). It's just such an emotional place to be.

I cried huge alligator tears yesterday, my heart heavy knowing all of this. I'm just not done yet.

Because I gotta love to give.

Welcome Baby Scherschel!!

I'm an auntie again! This time to an adorable and tiny little girl. I am so in love with my little niece!

She surprised us all, coming at 35 weeks and 3 days instead of past due as expected. What's with us Gaulke/Nelson girls and preterm birth?! Baby, mom and dad are all doing well, thankfully, and should be home soon to settle in to their new life together.

I'm internally being the typical big sister who knows just what she needs to do to get her milk in and pump and be successful at breastfeeding (I was up ALL night, just tossing and turning, hoping and stressing that it all goes just as she wants/ needs it to for her new little bundle of joy). But, like I said, internally. She will do what she needs to do for her baby, and if she wants to ask me a question, yay! But otherwise I'll zip my lips, because it can be such a stressful relationship at first. I just want it to be perfect for her! I want baby to be perfectly healthy and home and safe in their arms! I really do worry too much.

But my heart is just bursting with emotion for them!

Because I got a lotta love to give.

A Molar!

Brushing Ps teeth tonight I was totally shocked to find a molar! I assumed his next teeth would be the two on either side of his bottom middle two teeth. But no, apparently his molars are next.

He's only dribbled some drool a few times recently, and is just chewing a bit more than usual. He's not a typical teething baby, hardly fussy and still happy as can be. So it's been really hard to tell if he was teething for sure or not. But a molar?!

These little milestones are so exciting to me, to both Ryan and me. So many people say things like, "oh but they're not a tiny baby any more" and "don't you wish he weren't crawling/walking/talking/anything new yet." Honestly, I don't wish that. Yes, I miss the newborn baby snuggles, but I also try really hard to focus on how amazing it is that P is still with us. We get to watch him grow and learn and develop and it is absolutely amazing and thrilling.

So I'm just going to keep enjoying how much grows and changes daily.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Baptism, Take 2

Today, Parker was finally baptised. Yay! It was a beautiful and emotional occasion with immediate family, and thankfully the weather cooperated.

I'll admit, I was a little anxious, maybe even apprehensive, leading up to the moment. What if something catastrophic happened just after? Pushing the ever present, scary thoughts aside, I found I really was thrilled to have Parker baptised. Something about it just feels so complete now.

It took place in Korbin's garden and his Uncle Tim performed the baptism, which was really special to me. Now all my boys are baptised, and my heart is full knowing that.

I got a lotta love to give.

The Feels

I keep seeing this around Facebook with people talking about love and loss. It's a cutesy way to acknowledge such deep, profound feelings. For someone who's trying to focus on the happy things in life, the feels can be pretty hard to allow into daily life.

Deep down, I've been pretty emotionally unstable lately. It's just this time of year. Korbin's garden is blooming, spring is here and the air is warmer. One would think it's a happier time of year. But it's this time each year since having Korbin that I tend to think about what may have been and if there were signs that I had missed. The weird tightening feeling that was gone an hour later and didn't return till I was told I was in full labor with him. The odd stomach flipping over feeling that made me want to hurl suddenly but was gone just as quickly. The spotting stopping and so we didn't go to the hospital. What if we had gone? What if?!?

All these thoughts run through my mind with an even stronger intensity this time of year leading up to Korbin's birthday. And yet I push them down and smile at Parker as much as I can. Two opposite feels, such deep love juxtaposed with such despair. Side by side. Oh these feels, they are tough to balance.

Pushing down the sadness is hard mentally as I don't want to push away my thoughts of Korbin, I just wish I could have more positive memories. To think of him and smile instead of burst into tears. 

Really, I just wish he were here. That we were a complete family of four.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Helper

All too often Ryan and I (okay, mostly Ryan, I'll admit) can be a bit over-the-top about things being put away at home. I slack at times because I'll have multiple projects being worked on at once that, if they're put away, I'll forget about them. Anyway, things must be orderly and in their place. Children mess with this perfect order. Big time.

I'll put all of my old paperwork in a shred pile, and P will see it and promptly pull it apart piece by piece and spread it everywhere. I'll hang up clean diaper covers to dry, or have inserts and covers in a bin ready to put together for daycare. And P will dig out anything he can, and spread them everywhere. We pick up his toys and put them in baskets. He pulls them out. And spreads them everywhere. Notice the pattern?

Honestly, all I can do is smile. Which is such a better alternative to getting frustrated and yelling when he has no idea he's messing anything up to begin with. To help me maintain that positive spin, I say, "are you helping?" with a smile on my face. And P just smiles and keeps up with the good help.

It really is good help. For my frame of mind, my sanity. P helps me remember that everything will be okay, even when things are messy. The mess is temporary. And oddly, I'm thankful for these messy moments. They bring me fully present into reality and out of the robot get through life mode that I tend to fall into so often still.

Because I got a litta love to give.