Life

Life with a kiddo here is definitely different than life before kids. We do our best to incorporate Parker into our daily life, continuing to do things we were doing before, just with him included. But certain events are coming up now that don't make that quite so easy, I think especially for me.

Tomorrow I've been invited to a work event that is solely for my coworkers and myself. And it's left me so torn. We have some new members on the team, and so it will be a good team-building event. But after being gone all day from Parker, and pumping, I'm not sure I can make myself leave him for even longer. I wonder, is it just the nursing I'm worried about? Or is it moreso how much time with him I'll be missing? Most likely a combo of the two. And while I think team-building events outside of work are so important, I just can't bring myself to leave Parker for so long in one day.

Will it be easier when he's older and no longer nursing? There will be so many more after work events that I'll eventually need to be going to again. And then there will be whole trips! Conferences! How do parents do it? I love every moment with my newest little man, and am afraid to miss anything now, especially after missing everything with Korbin.

I guess I'll just have to figure this out in time, and just keep doing my best to navigate life with Parker in it.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

5 Months!

Today P is 5 months old, and I still can't believe he's here and he's ours to keep. Someone commented recently that she feels like she's babysitting and someone's coming to pick up her kid at the end of the day. After losing a child, it seriously feels like that all the time. And then I have this moment of ecstatic clarity that P is mine and he's really here and I really do get to be his mommy and care for him and make big scary decisions about how we want to raise him and care for him the best way we see fit. We are so blessed to have the chance to do that! And my heart just swells with how much I love him and having him here with us.

Watching him grow and develop never gets old! He'll work hard on something like rolling over for so long, get worked up and frustrated time after time. And then suddenly he masters it and it's all he can do now! Absolutely amazing and exciting to watch.

There are so many things he's doing now: rubbing his eyes when he's tired, pursing his lips (would love to capture in a photo!), looking at and grabbing his legs during diaper changes, trying to sit up (baby an crunches!), blowing bubbles (oh the drool now...), squealing and screeching and finding his much louder voice, grasping things, reaching out and holding onto toys, and he even scooted forward three times after he rolled back to front! So much is happening, it's awesome.

And there are some tender moments I'll cherish forever. At about 17weeks I was about to nurse him one day and he stopped, looking directly at Korbin's foot prints. And then he reached out and touched them. I of course teared up but was able to tell P that those foot prints are his brother Korbin's. Such a special moment.

Also, while nursing he'll stop eating, look up at me and then just smile so big. My heart just melts, despite how much my boob hurts since he's not eating as fully when he does this. It's now turned into latch, look up and smile, unlatch, repeat. Over and over and over again. Hey little man, that milk needs to leave my boob and get in your belly! I just have to laugh about it.

He's become so squirmy while nursing that at times I feel like I have to tackle and hold him down just to get him to focus and eat! I laugh now....

Ryan and P have such a fun and playful relationship. They have their own games that I try to mimic but of course the smiles and smiles only happen when Ry plays them with P. It's so random, but Ry holds Parker's little hands between his own and runs them as though to warm them up on a cold day, and P laughs and giggles so much from this! I love watching the two of them. It's really fascinating to me how we're both so important to P, but in our own individual ways.

Loving every moment with my little man here with us.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Grateful

With how heavy my heart's been lately, I've had to try and focus my mind and heart on the good things in life.

First, my little family here. Parker and Ryan. Thank God for Ryan to keep me in check, and thank God we get to have P here with us to keep us going. And our puppy dogs, who are still such a huge part of our family.

Second, our home that is finally getting the love it deserves. And that we found someone willing to do the work!

Third, delicious food all around us, both home cooked and in restaurants. The fact that we can afford to stretch the food budget to try new things. And that we can spend the time to cook together.

Next, our jobs so we can enjoy some frills in life. From cute cloth diapers to car parts. Things we want but don't necessarily need.

And of course there is the support of those we love around, from family and friends. Especially those that ask about Korbin and don't turn away when we're needing to talk about our grief. We need them so much, and appreciate them even more.

All these things and more to keep me going each day. Just one foot in front of the other.

Because I got a lotta love to give.