Hallucination

This one is difficult for me to admit and write about. I mean, when I think of people who hallucinate, typically those with some sort of mental disorder or even those on drugs come to mind (as with many things, it's typical to make an association like this one, until you live it yourself and realize how wrong you've been all along). So then where did mine come from last Saturday morning? Maybe the stress and anxiety from this pregnancy is giving me my own mental issues to deal with now.

Last Saturday morning I looked down at my supposedly growing belly after my shower, and seriously I swear I watched myself suck it in and it just deflated like nothing was there. Empty. I panicked, touched my now flat stomach, and then ran into the bedroom (I had been in the bathroom when this happened), telling myself that this cannot be real. That didn't just happen. No way. Yet I touched my flat stomach, I can still see it deflating. How could that not have been real?

Here's my bump pic taken today for reference:

Hard to the touch, and I can't even begin to suck it in. So whatever happened Saturday morning had to have been all in my head, and even now it feels like just a dream. But it was so freaking real in the moment.

And this happening reminded me of a horrific nightmare I had about losing Korbin, about a month before we actually lost him. It left me empty, and aching, and completely foretold what was to come, despite many around me saying it's just my attachment to baby creeping into my dreams. This memory of course only added to my growing panic over the whole weekend.

Back to now: I feel like I'm going a bit crazy. The paranoia, stress and anxiety are really adding up. Maybe I'm reaching a breaking point, who knows. Either way this hallucination left me so panicked I asked one of the ultrasound techs I work with to please just show me Baby 2's heart beat. I just had to know this one is still with us. Sure enough, kicks and movement and flips and a perfectly beating heart. Nothing to worry about, except everything that could happen and go wrong. It's enough to make a person go crazy!

Seeing Baby 2's heart beat is really the only thing that soothes me now. But, I can't exactly just see it every day. So I need to do more to try and calm myself, especially since I still can't feel a lot of the movements happening inside my belly just yet. The chats with Baby 2 help (we had an uber long one Friday night when I went to bed), but I definitely need more. And since I find it hard to sit down and be still when at home or work, I finally signed myself up for acupuncture at a friend's clinic. She's familiar with high risk mom's-to-be, and I got the okay from my OB today too. If all it does is make me sit and not move for 30min or an hour, I'm still okay with that. Maybe that's all I need. The less stress my body feels the better, for me and especially for Baby 2.

Because I got a lotta love to give.