Being pregnant again is most definitely not all rainbows and unicorns. Not only am I a paranoid wreck a lot of the time, but I hold extreme guilt now, as well as an increase in my grief from missing Korbin. This makes being excited for Baby Love 2 difficult as I struggle to look forward to this one while still keeping Korbin's memory present in our lives.
It kind of started with the lock screen on my phone. It's been Korbin's footprints since I went back to work last year, something I want to see and remember every single day. Yet I wanted to put up an ultrasound shot of Baby 2, but I most definitely did NOT want to replace Korbin's foot prints. That would be like moving on, which would be forgetting. And as I've said a million times now, we will never Korbin. But just like any family, you keep up the pictures of your first child and just add to them with the younger ones. I seriously spent an entire evening trying to resize two pictures on my phone (thanks to the new and 'improved' operating system) and finally succeeded. Korbin's footprints remain, but are now accompanied by a picture of little brother or sister.
Getting new ultrasound pictures is exciting, but a feeling of deep-rooted guilt always surfaces when I start to feel excited about Baby 2. Basically, I recognize that I'm thinking of Korbin less, as I concentrate on Baby 2 more. I'm desperate to never forget Korbin, but I struggle with how to remember him as my memories are of just his sudden and tragic end. Especially now that we're in the second trimester. Every day closer to 24wks5days brings more intensely horrific visions of Baby 2's end, and flashbacks to having Korbin for too short a time. At any given moment, I'm struggling to fight back tears as I feel the raw grief I haven't dealt with in some time. Almost daily I have a horrific vision of what we went through, leaving me in tears on my way in to work. The emptiness returns, and I just cry. My feelings of missing Korbin are so intensified right now, and being pregnant emotional just adds to the hot mess.
All of this just pushes me to beg Baby 2 more and more to hang in there, don't give up, please don't leave us. It becomes difficult much of the time now to be positive or excited about the future. Especially since we had a child, but we don't know the experience of bringing our child home, or changing diapers or doctors visits. I honestly can't imagine what it could be like to have a child with us because all I know is being pregnant that leads to emptiness. Plus, I'm paranoid, anxious, scared of what could happen. That every tiny thing I feel means the end again. It's hard to enjoy being pregnant when feeling so out of control. I just can't seem to trust that things are fine until the next ultrasound shows the heart still beating and my cervix fine and no contractions.
All of this is why I continually refer to Baby 2 as Baby 2. Korbin is and always will be our first. No matter what. And no matter what, Baby 2 is our second. Is and always will be. One is not more important than the other, and we are at least incorporating both children into our lives by doing this. Hopefully the next step will be incorporating Korbin into Baby 2's life one day. Hopefully.
In the mean time, I'm far from fine. And yet it feels like people assume that because I'm pregnant, I am totally over what happened last year and pregnant ladies and newborns are my new favorite thing again. That could not be further from the truth. I 'm still jealous. Especially if the person is having a boy or the newborn is a boy. Extremely. It sucks. But it's from how much I hurt inside knowing I'll never get to coo over Korbin in adorable outfits or change or feed him. Being pregnant again does nothing to lessen any of that pain. In fact it's just intensified as I'm just reminded moreso now of who I'm missing in life.
Being pregnant again is no quick fix for grief and loss. I just grieve for Korbin more now.
Because I got a lotta love to give.
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