Bad Dreams

Today P work up rather upset and it felt as if he was yelling at me for being gone all day. I asked him if he'd had a bad dream, and then I was crying. My mind went back to how much (even to this day) I wish I could wake up from the nightmare of losing Korbin.
This led me to the feeling that nothing can happen to me, because P needs me. And it wasn't a selfish feeling at all, it was more so this deep down gut-wrenching feeling of abandonment that he could feel if I were to suddenly be gone from his life. The same feeling I have, in a way, about Korbin being gone. And then I remembered daycare as a kid. It took a while for my parents to find one that really fit my sister and me well. Before they did, I still have memories of sitting at the window crying so hard that my mom was driving away and leaving us for the day. Or even of being home with my mom and crying in frustration that my dad was yet again leaving us for work. I think this all plays into my mixed emotions regarding returning to work right now. That feeling of loneliness, emptiness, even abandonment. I can't stand the thought of P feeling this way. Could leaving him for just the day do this to him?
Of course, I know we aren't abandoning him (nor were my parents abandoning my sister or me). And I know that going to work is a good decision for my family's life and striving to improve it. But deep down, I guess I'm still wishing I could wake up from the nightmare in which Korbin was taken from us much too soon.
Because I got a lotta love to give.

4MO!

So much development in one month! It's just so fun to watch him grow and learn.

Parker's added a new sound to his conversations now, a clucking of the tongue. And he has become quite the hand chewer. He wakes himself (and us) in the night chewing and sucking on his hands! His voice is becoming louder and stronger all the time now. He's still reaching for things, which is becoming more and more coordinated, but not quite grasping anything just yet. I'm not worried about this as technically he's only 2.5mo, and grasping doesn't start until around 3mo. But he does notice his own hands now, and more often than not.

Our chats have become much more interactive, with definite eye contact and him stopping to listen to me and then responding. He even started to reach up for my face and touch my cheek, or my nose or my mouth. It was so sweet! He was concentrating so hard too:

He's also started this adorable belly beating when he gets excited (like Tarzan beating his chest, but his belly instead). It's too funny.

Now he notices my phone hen I try to get pictures of him, so it's harder to capture certain moments. And he has started looking at the TV when we're watching it! That could become a problem, so when I'm home with him I am now leaving the TV off more often than not.

Physically, and this may be TMI, his poops are practically silent now! I still remember the forceful explosions we would hear 3-5 times a day. Now we sometimes hear him maybe pooping, and even then we're wrong half the time. On a good note, though, he's spitting up less and less. The sphincters in his belly are starting to become stronger, and so hopefully this means his preemie reflux is on it's way out the door!

And being a preemie, I often forget that he's really six weeks younger than his actual age. So, things you'd expect from a four month old, we won't actually see for another six weeks or so as he's technically only 2.5mo (as mentioned above). Despite that, he's growing so well, almost 12lbs (50th percentile) and 24" long (90th percentile)! This puts him right on track developmentally.

I so want to just treat him like a regular baby, to forget that he was a preemie, but it is something I have to keep in mind as he grows and develops.

And we love watching him grow and change. I just hope we're doing an okay job helping him develop appropriately!

Because we got a lotta love to give.

I Survived

Today was my first day back at work, and thankfully it was a short day as I had major issues just stepping out the door this morning. I cried. And P was still asleep so I could hug and cuddle him just before leaving. That was rough.

Walking into work I tried to feel confident and just get right to the daily duties that I know deep down I remember. But I was so discombobulated! I couldn't remember where things were supposed to be, and with some slight lab design changes, I was just lost at one point, leaving my stomach knots.

And yet, there was definitely excitement there too. Assessing embryos is something I enjoy. Going over QC and if any changes need to happen and why is fun. Even the paperwork is something I like to do.

The awkward part was trying to figure out my new pumping routine. I've got to own it, and not worry what others may think. This is the best thing possible for my kid, and I'm not about to give it up just yet!

So all in all, the day went by better than I had expected. Although again, it was just a half day. We'll see what tomorrow brings as we leave P in someone else's hands for the day.

Until then, I'm just going to enjoy the rest of this day with my Baby Love 2, soaking up all the snuggles and cuddles I can get.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Morning Snuggles

These are like the best thing in the world. Relaxing, comforting, loving. Something I am so going to miss as P gets older and no longer needs me to snuggle him to sleep for a nap. In the mean time, I try to capture the moment as often as possible.

And enjoy every second of it while I still can! Everything else can wait, as this doesn't last forever.

Soaking up the snuggles.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

4th Festivities

This year was Ps first Fourth of July, and my reality check with maturity and partying and how much life has changed with our newest little man in it now.

The day started off so relaxed, just the three of us at home hanging out, Ry and I working on our own projects (minis and yard work). I picked out Ps holiday outfit (so fun to do!):

It fit him too! He's long enough now for the 3mo clothes (growing so fast!), which I totally wasn't expecting. We went to my sister and brother-in-law's and the conversations I had were with two other mom's there discussing parenting and going to work and child development. And I really enjoyed every moment of it. This compared to having a close friend over the other night who is single without kids and how much I struggled to keep up a conversation with him. Yup, life has changed! But most definitely for the better.

We left early to be sure the pups could be settled with us while the mayhem ensued within our neighborhood. Our neighbors had teased about watering our lawn, but we honestly didn't think too much about it beyond that. Until we got home and saw that the mayhem was practically in our own back yard. And then OUR grass caught on fire. Why on earth someone would set off fireworks in a tiny backyard surrounded by trees instead of the open space of the road in their front yard is beyond me. And on top of that, they were lighting mortars without the tube to shoot them way up in the air, leaving them to explode half in their yard and half in ours (hence the fire). The windows were shaking it was so loud between our houses. They put out the fire immediately, but that didn't stop them in the least. And we were so not impressed.

Looking out our back window and watching the continued explosions, I had this moment of clarity about our neighbors. The same ones we would drink often (and too much) with after losing Korbin. And I realized how we don't need them like we used to. They were an important part of our grieving process, but now that we have P and our grief has evolved and taken new forms, we don't need the crazy partying escape from reality any longer. This doesn't make them bad people, this just made me realize how old I am now. Not as in ancient old, but old as in more mature.

And I am okay with this.

I look at situations in a new light now. And it all surrounds protecting P as well as any part of Korbin we have with is still. And this includes two clothing items I sorted into size appropriate bins for P to wear when he gets big enough. We bought them for Korbin, and I of course saved them, originally thinking we'd just preserve their newness somehow. But I'd actually love to see P wear them. To have them actually be used. And then put them away again for safe keeping. That preservation and safe keeping felt threatened by the thought of fire reaching our garage. Ya, I didn't sleep well until about 3am, when P woke up to eat and I went and checked every inch of our property that I could check from the windows. No more fires, thankfully.

Yup, life has changed yet again. And I am more than okay with the new changes.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Bad mom

There are days when I feel like I have absolutely no clue what I'm doing. From picking up my Baby Love 2 properly, to bathing him and keeping his skin soft, to even knowing when to feed or change him. Especially when we're with others who have been parenting for some time. I feel judged and awkward in front of them. This is where a phrase that grates on me is said by others, and yet I find myself saying it too at times.
Every day I strive to be the best mom possible for Parker. And this goes back to how I didn't get to do all these wonderful things with Korbin, like diaper changes and breast feeding or waking up every two hours in the night. I think I've mentioned it before, but it makes my heart ache more knowing what we have been missing out on with Korbin. But I still make mistakes. I maybe wait to long to figure out he's hungry or needs a diaper change, or that he's just plain tired but too tired to be soothed to sleep. And so I make mistakes. Some would think it wouldn't happen after losing Korbin. That by now I've read up on every parenting style out there and know what's coming before it's actually happening. But no, I'm just a 'new mom' still. Figuring this out for the first time. I shouldn't be, but I am.
I guess sometimes I'm just too in my own head, over-analyzing things and worrying what others are thinking of my parenting style. Really, I should care less about what others think of how we raise P. He's our kid and we're just doing the best we can. We became parents for the first time when we had Korbin, yet now we're actually parenting Parker. Can we call it something else? Otherwise it feels as though Korbin is forgotten. But he's still our first Baby Love and we'll never forget that.
Because we got a lotta love to give.