Today I was discharged. And this comes with such mixed emotions as I signed up for the parent rooms for the next three nights so that I don't have to leave the hospital. But I'm on a different floor than my precious baby now, and I'm not at home with Ryan and the pups.
As I packed up all my things (flowers, clothes, pumping supplies, way more than I thought I had with me), the nurses told me to order some extra food and take my time. This was the last time I could do so, and I hadn't thought about how I would get my next meals or where from. My mobility is still slow, I'm barely walking long distances (the hallways of the hospital), and now I have to walk so far just to see my son, my Baby Love 2.
As I moved everything down four floors to my windowless hotel room, the shock of my first major change since having Parker began to settle in. I'd built this pumping routine that worked well, and now I had to search for pumps and go to a special room to pump, hope that there was space and even a pump available. This became my second major stressor of this change.
As I continued to try to coordinate this next phase, the shock and reality that I'd soon be leaving the hospital sank in. I was wandering one of the hallways and ran into Nargis, and completely broke down in front of her. The tears just couldn't stop.
We went back to my 'hotel' room where I just let all out. I don't want to leave with empty arms again, and yet I miss home with Ryan and the pups terribly. I don't know where the pumps are and the lady showing me things was not helpful and even a bit short with me. I had been trying so hard to hold myself together as this change approached, but my emotions completely overwhelmed me and I just could not stop crying.
The long chat with Nargis was helpful. I mean, she gets it after having had Ryan at 28weeks and having to leave without him. She suggested I stay tonight, and then try a night at home. I don't have to give up the room just yet, just see how I do with going home and coming back. There's a certain comfort in being a patient that is now gone. And there's definitely comfort in being home and in my own bed, and I will be in neither tonight, but I'll still be here with my baby. It's just so unnatural to leave the hospital without my baby, and I know this all too well unfortunately. How can I do it again?
Yes, he's alive and being well-cared for, but he's still not home and in my arms.
On top of this, Nargis noticed one of my legs is extremely swollen, and I've had to make an ultrasound appointment to be sure I don't have a blood clot in that leg. More walking long distances, more stress. Stupid cankle!
Before this whole melt down business began, I started the day well and decided Parker was going to text his dad daily updates. A picture and blood test results, as well as any news on lights and oxygen improvements.
Today's news was that his bilirubin is 9 right now, not horrible, but still high and not normal. The nurses are considering a dose of IVIG, which I think I've discussed before and how it essentially eats up my antibodies in his system, though not all. He's kicking so much in his sleep, and his primary nurse commented on how much he kicks. No wonder I felt kicks all day when I thought he should be sleeping!
I'm making sure I have physical contact with my Baby love 2 each day so far, especially since I haven't been able to hold him yet. Boy was I surprised when the nurse today asked if I wanted to hold him! I got 30minutes of pure bliss and skin-to-skin contact. It was beautiful and melted my heart:
I can't believe how tiny he is, and he just looks too fragile to hold:
But OMG he is just precious, so adorable!
And back under the lights he goes:
A volunteer made these signs to decorate his space too:
Something to scrapbook when we're finally home! And I know we have a long road here ahead of us, but I just can't wait till he's home.
Because we got a lotta love to give.
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