Fear

An old friend told me recently that I have such courage. This completely shocked me as I don't see myself being courageous in the least, in fact I feel scared out of mind most of the time.

By this point in my second pregnancy, I am a mess of emotions. Being so far along, I am excited. Being just not quite far enough still, I am nervous, and feel fragile and like the slightest mis step will send me ino labor too soon. And, probably most of all, I'm scared.

Every day we get through now feels like such a miracle. Baby Boy 2 is still active, and I continue to not have any issues doing movement counts because he is so active. Despite the off and on contractions (mostly just Braxton Hicks), we make it through yet another day without my body going into full labor too soon. Each ultrasound shows us a 'happy little guy' meeting all the appropriate milestones. My belly, amazingly, keeps getting bigger (I mean really, can it possibly get any larger? Apparently yes it can...) each week.

I have aches and pains which make me move a lot more slowly now. And mostly because I'm just so afraid of disrupting the delicate balance that is remaining pregnant with a healthy growing child. Especially since we really have no idea why I went into labor so early with Korbin, I don't want to repeat some unknown mistake. I guess there's paranoia playing a part in this as well.

Now that we have a date set, I'm afraid we've jinxed things. So silly, I know. But it's almost easier just pushing forward as far as possible without a true hard set date to get to. Each week being a mini goal to get to and through as Baby Boy 2 develops more and more inside me. Each week being a better place to be if he comes early. I'm scared that by setting an actual date, now we really won't make it that far. But, as a dear friend has wisely counseled, I have to imagine getting through these next two weeks, making it all the way to our final goal.

So, I just keep pushing ahead. I keep putting one foot in front of the other. And somehow each day I wake up still pregnant and the little guy's still kicking away. Thank God.