Ready?

Ready or not, this little guy's on his way, maybe even than we were hoping. So many thoughts and worries have been running through my mind now, and I'm struggling to keep them all straight. I guess I just have to have faith that the timing is right, whatever that timing may now be.

Earlier today I had a moment at work where I was completely overwhelmed by emotion. I just couldn't stop the tears, but somehow I his them. It struck me all of a sudden that we're really getting ready to have this little guy. And an image of me holding Korbin and saying goodbye popped into my head. The only birth I know haunts me now. All I hear is the anesthesiologist saying, 'I'm so sorry.' And then the tears. I still wish I could go back in time and somehow save him. The pain really never goes away, and I think I'm feeling it even moreso right now.

I know we're so much further with this little guy, and that we've overcome so much now. But it still doesn't feel like enough. I want Baby Love 2 to just keep growing and developing inside my belly like any other normal pregnancy. And I want the kicks and punches. I've been trying so hard to make sure he's moving as often as possible. Partly for reassurance, but also because we've only had so much to enjoy them. For Ryan to place his hand on my belly and have the little guy kick at it, even to see my belly move as he jumped around inside. It's so amazing, and I'm just not ready for that to be over quite yet.

I need more time to be sure he's okay, that he's going to breathe well and eat and eat and eat and grow and gain weight from the get go. I just need these things to happen, regardless of what day he shows up now.

Because I got a lotta love to give.