I Survived

Today was my first day back at work, and thankfully it was a short day as I had major issues just stepping out the door this morning. I cried. And P was still asleep so I could hug and cuddle him just before leaving. That was rough.

Walking into work I tried to feel confident and just get right to the daily duties that I know deep down I remember. But I was so discombobulated! I couldn't remember where things were supposed to be, and with some slight lab design changes, I was just lost at one point, leaving my stomach knots.

And yet, there was definitely excitement there too. Assessing embryos is something I enjoy. Going over QC and if any changes need to happen and why is fun. Even the paperwork is something I like to do.

The awkward part was trying to figure out my new pumping routine. I've got to own it, and not worry what others may think. This is the best thing possible for my kid, and I'm not about to give it up just yet!

So all in all, the day went by better than I had expected. Although again, it was just a half day. We'll see what tomorrow brings as we leave P in someone else's hands for the day.

Until then, I'm just going to enjoy the rest of this day with my Baby Love 2, soaking up all the snuggles and cuddles I can get.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Morning Snuggles

These are like the best thing in the world. Relaxing, comforting, loving. Something I am so going to miss as P gets older and no longer needs me to snuggle him to sleep for a nap. In the mean time, I try to capture the moment as often as possible.

And enjoy every second of it while I still can! Everything else can wait, as this doesn't last forever.

Soaking up the snuggles.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

4th Festivities

This year was Ps first Fourth of July, and my reality check with maturity and partying and how much life has changed with our newest little man in it now.

The day started off so relaxed, just the three of us at home hanging out, Ry and I working on our own projects (minis and yard work). I picked out Ps holiday outfit (so fun to do!):

It fit him too! He's long enough now for the 3mo clothes (growing so fast!), which I totally wasn't expecting. We went to my sister and brother-in-law's and the conversations I had were with two other mom's there discussing parenting and going to work and child development. And I really enjoyed every moment of it. This compared to having a close friend over the other night who is single without kids and how much I struggled to keep up a conversation with him. Yup, life has changed! But most definitely for the better.

We left early to be sure the pups could be settled with us while the mayhem ensued within our neighborhood. Our neighbors had teased about watering our lawn, but we honestly didn't think too much about it beyond that. Until we got home and saw that the mayhem was practically in our own back yard. And then OUR grass caught on fire. Why on earth someone would set off fireworks in a tiny backyard surrounded by trees instead of the open space of the road in their front yard is beyond me. And on top of that, they were lighting mortars without the tube to shoot them way up in the air, leaving them to explode half in their yard and half in ours (hence the fire). The windows were shaking it was so loud between our houses. They put out the fire immediately, but that didn't stop them in the least. And we were so not impressed.

Looking out our back window and watching the continued explosions, I had this moment of clarity about our neighbors. The same ones we would drink often (and too much) with after losing Korbin. And I realized how we don't need them like we used to. They were an important part of our grieving process, but now that we have P and our grief has evolved and taken new forms, we don't need the crazy partying escape from reality any longer. This doesn't make them bad people, this just made me realize how old I am now. Not as in ancient old, but old as in more mature.

And I am okay with this.

I look at situations in a new light now. And it all surrounds protecting P as well as any part of Korbin we have with is still. And this includes two clothing items I sorted into size appropriate bins for P to wear when he gets big enough. We bought them for Korbin, and I of course saved them, originally thinking we'd just preserve their newness somehow. But I'd actually love to see P wear them. To have them actually be used. And then put them away again for safe keeping. That preservation and safe keeping felt threatened by the thought of fire reaching our garage. Ya, I didn't sleep well until about 3am, when P woke up to eat and I went and checked every inch of our property that I could check from the windows. No more fires, thankfully.

Yup, life has changed yet again. And I am more than okay with the new changes.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Bad mom

There are days when I feel like I have absolutely no clue what I'm doing. From picking up my Baby Love 2 properly, to bathing him and keeping his skin soft, to even knowing when to feed or change him. Especially when we're with others who have been parenting for some time. I feel judged and awkward in front of them. This is where a phrase that grates on me is said by others, and yet I find myself saying it too at times.
Every day I strive to be the best mom possible for Parker. And this goes back to how I didn't get to do all these wonderful things with Korbin, like diaper changes and breast feeding or waking up every two hours in the night. I think I've mentioned it before, but it makes my heart ache more knowing what we have been missing out on with Korbin. But I still make mistakes. I maybe wait to long to figure out he's hungry or needs a diaper change, or that he's just plain tired but too tired to be soothed to sleep. And so I make mistakes. Some would think it wouldn't happen after losing Korbin. That by now I've read up on every parenting style out there and know what's coming before it's actually happening. But no, I'm just a 'new mom' still. Figuring this out for the first time. I shouldn't be, but I am.
I guess sometimes I'm just too in my own head, over-analyzing things and worrying what others are thinking of my parenting style. Really, I should care less about what others think of how we raise P. He's our kid and we're just doing the best we can. We became parents for the first time when we had Korbin, yet now we're actually parenting Parker. Can we call it something else? Otherwise it feels as though Korbin is forgotten. But he's still our first Baby Love and we'll never forget that.
Because we got a lotta love to give.

Hematocrit

Today we got the good news that Parker's hematocrit is finally stable, yay! In one month it hasn't dipped, but risen and remained a healthy, normal level. Here's the note from his pediatrician:

This is just such good news, and hopefully marks the end of his little body's battle with my antibodies. Now we can stop the iron supplements, and even the multivitamins! We'll be switching to vitamin D drops only (we do live in the beautifully rainy/cloudy Pacific Northwest), which means his daily bottle from Ryan will be a much smoother process. The NICU had us adding about 20mL of my breast milk to a bottle with his vitamins, and then feeding him that followed the remainder of the volume he eats right now (100mL currently). The vitamins are rough on his sensitive tummy, which is why they're given with food, and make the milk taste awful. (We each tried a dab of the vitamins, disgusting!!) Now I'm hoping he'll spit up less, and the whole bottle feed may be a bit less traumatic as he can just eat without so many odd flavors and disruptions. Because when he's hungry, he's hungry NOW! And heating up a bottle safely takes time.

It's so amazing to get this good news about our precious Baby Love 2, who's caught so hard his whole life so far. I hope things are easier for him now, with more energy to grow and learn and develop like he's meant to.

Because we got a lotta love to give.

Work

With less than three weeks left in my maternity leave, my anxiety is slowly building. Just the thought of being away from P makes my heart sink, my stomach ache and my eyes fill with tears (it's happening as I write this). I just want every minute possible with my precious little man, time lost with Korbin that I'm desperately trying to soak up with Parker.

Technically, I could stay home. We can afford it. But then getting out of this house and this neighborhood is not an option. Trips to show P the world are out. Certain schools scratched off our list of possibilities for elementary or high school. There's just so much we want to give him, even spoil him with. And it's just not feasible without my salary unfortunately.

I've been asked before if returning to work financially makes sense (child care can be so expensive!). Thankfully, it does for what we have worked out with family, and how much I make. Daycare is not going to be a huge cost for us. And I trust those who will be caring for them. They are family after all, which helps ease my fear in leaving P for the day.

But what I can't shake is the feeling that I've done this before. I've had a child and been on leave before, and then had to face returning to work empty. Though I'm not empty this time around, I'm also not full. And that is what my heart keeps going back to; that moment where I had to pick myself up and keep going despite the immense pain.

I know it will be possible, to work and have time with Parker. I can manage it. But I don't know how Ryan does it. Honestly. Or how those I know from my support group have done it. Did they have as much trouble as I am having? There are those who have changed careers to have more time with their child. I think that would be too much change for me, on top of going back to work. I know I can do it, I just don't want to. I'm just not quite ready.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Not our first

Tonight we went to our monthly mini (the car) meeting for our club. We're both club officers so it's important we continue to make it to each meeting and as many events as possible, and this means bringing P along with us. Thankfully he's easily soothed in the moby wrap and didn't make a peep during the entire meeting. Way to go, little mister! Everyone was so impressed.

After the meeting fellow club members were asking about P, and one asked me something that I'm getting used to answering by now. He asked if Parker was our first. I of course replied no, we had Korbin but he's not with us. This club member immediately apologized, saying 'I know, but, does he have any older siblings?'

Really? First off he knew about Korbin. Second, I already stated Parker had a big brother, Korbin.

I somehow calmly replied that he doesn't have older siblings at home. To me, emphasizing the 'at home' part doesn't negate that Korbin is being considered Parker's big brother. The club member paused for a moment and then seemed to accept this answer.

I should be used to this by now, but this exchange perturbed me because this club member (our entire club in fact) knew about Korbin already. And yet it still bothers me how uncomfortable people get when I try to talk about Korbin. I'm trying really hard to break that norm, that once a child dies they are not spoken of again. Do we never talk about a friend or older family member again after they have passed? Of course not, they are remembered and brought up in conversation from time to time. So then why can't I talk about my first son without people cringing or changing the subject or running away? He happened. He was born, he had a name and birth certificate. We held him. Yes of course it's fucking awful that he's not with us (excuse my language, but this just so frustrates me!), but I remember him! And I should be allowed to continue remembering him without people shying away.

/endrant

Because I got a lotta love to give.