Work

With less than three weeks left in my maternity leave, my anxiety is slowly building. Just the thought of being away from P makes my heart sink, my stomach ache and my eyes fill with tears (it's happening as I write this). I just want every minute possible with my precious little man, time lost with Korbin that I'm desperately trying to soak up with Parker.

Technically, I could stay home. We can afford it. But then getting out of this house and this neighborhood is not an option. Trips to show P the world are out. Certain schools scratched off our list of possibilities for elementary or high school. There's just so much we want to give him, even spoil him with. And it's just not feasible without my salary unfortunately.

I've been asked before if returning to work financially makes sense (child care can be so expensive!). Thankfully, it does for what we have worked out with family, and how much I make. Daycare is not going to be a huge cost for us. And I trust those who will be caring for them. They are family after all, which helps ease my fear in leaving P for the day.

But what I can't shake is the feeling that I've done this before. I've had a child and been on leave before, and then had to face returning to work empty. Though I'm not empty this time around, I'm also not full. And that is what my heart keeps going back to; that moment where I had to pick myself up and keep going despite the immense pain.

I know it will be possible, to work and have time with Parker. I can manage it. But I don't know how Ryan does it. Honestly. Or how those I know from my support group have done it. Did they have as much trouble as I am having? There are those who have changed careers to have more time with their child. I think that would be too much change for me, on top of going back to work. I know I can do it, I just don't want to. I'm just not quite ready.

Because I got a lotta love to give.