Six Months Strong

This past week I have been, well, giddy about breast feeding. Random, I know. But we've hit six months now, and are still going strong. Though I want us to go at least a year, six months is my first mini goal that I still was honestly afraid we wouldn't make it to.

What's crazy to me is that I used to think that six months was long enough to nurse and that one should stop after that. What was I thinking? I hadn't even read or researched nutrition for infants at the time, I was just going off of what I had seen in society (even then six months was super long). And yet I knew I didn't want to go the formula route. So really, what was I thinking?

At this point, and all along our whole bf journey so far, I am just so grateful. Especially since I feared going back to work and reintroducing bottles so often would lead P away from wanting to actually nurse. Just like my first day away, he still wants to nurse soon after I get home, today he even reached his arms out toward me. He smiles and smacks his lips and cuddles up to me. It warms my heart and I am just so thankful and grateful for the amazing bond we get to build with each other right now.

This bond is something I have fought so hard for. Through seeing countless lactation consultants, and even building a relationship with a pump (yes, it happens...you just have to learn to love it I guess to make it work). Through losing out on the bond with Korbin too, which is what has fueled my fight in building this bond with P. I switched to nursing sooner than the NICU recommended, and away from bottles and added vitamins as well, knowing breast is best. I found the confidence I needed to do what I feel is best for P and his growth and health. With his recent check up, I'd say I chose right for us!

Knowing this, and the bond we continue to build, I want to and will continue for as long as possible. A year? Two years? Only P can tell when the time to wean will be. Until then, I'll just keep being giddy about each mini goal we surpass.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Half a Year

I can't believe P has been with us for half a year already!! Saying it like that makes it sound so much longer than just saying 6 months, too. And so much is happening for him, I never get tired of seeing him meet developmental milestones.

He has now mastered rolling over completely. Back to front came easiest and first, and front to back followed shortly. Tummy time is now floor time on a blanket that got bigger and bigger as he began covering more space and we needed to keep him off the dog hair covered floor (yes we vacuum...but the shedding is constant so there is always hair on the floor). He rolls to his toys and grasps and holds them and chews them. We still think he may be teething, and who knows how long that process is going to last now. It's already been a few months of chewing and copious amounts of drool!

He's now wanting to sit up, so we hold his arms or hands and he wobbles about. On his own he overcompensated and head dives to the front or one side. We keep him with us while we eat dinner and he has started mimicking us eating now. He'll hold out his hand, bring it to his mouth and then make a chewing-like motion. When he's on my lap he wants to see where the food is going (in my mouth of course) and then tries to grab it too. He's getting so close to trying solids! I'm excited yet still wanting to just nurse for a bit longer.

He talks so much now. It's hard to talk normally back instead of imitate his babbling. He responds to both which is really fun. So I started speaking Spanish to him too. Saying things in English first then Spanish, or Spanish then English. I started looking into some language classes for kiddos, but it's hard to find one that will work with my full time schedule.

He's big enough now that we removed the infant insert in his car seat, too. Some days I feel so happy and proud yet sad too that he's grown so much. Other days I feel like he's still my tiny little guy, because he is still a little guy.

He just started reaching for his legs and feet the other day (the 9th actually). And still at times notices his hands and looks at them in total awe and amazement. They catch his eye suddenly, it's so funny to see.

And he has started to have a bit of a personal bubble and will push our faces or our hands away if he's what we call done with us. Just like Ryan!

Every day I have this awe-struck moment of total amazement that oh my god he is still here and with us. He's ours and we're not just baby sitting for someone and we get to keep him. Every day! And I am loving every moment of life with my littlest man.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Another Donation

Yesterday I finally had a chance to drop off the box of newborn clothes at the NICU where Parker was for a month. While it felt good to give these items to the babies there now, whose parents probably aren't concerned with buying clothes just yet as their only focus is getting their kid to eat and grow and come home, it still left me with a pit in my stomach.

While P was there, he wore the same five or so onesies on repeat, and at times didn't have clothes due to too many blow outs before laundry time. At that time, I made up my mind to give his newborn outfits (just the ones with snaps, so many wires that need access!) so that other baby (boys especially) weren't without. I collected them all, a dear friend contributed a portion of what she had once her son outgrew his, and boxed them up. And then the box sat in the half-way nursery, then the trunk, back in the house, the car, the house until finally, months later, I could bring myself to let go.

This made the end of the teeny tiny baby feel complete, over, gone forever. And though I love watching my little man here grow and develop and feel excited about what's next for him and for us, the finality of it made me sad, and wistful. Can't he be a tiny newborn again? Just for a little bit?

I read a bit of writing recently that talked about the end. Your baby nurses and needs you until one they nurse one last time, and then they never nurse again. He will hold our hands and then one day will be the last day he ever holds our hands again. P used to sleep on my chest in the morning on our days together, just the two of us. Then one day he didn't, and now he's grown so much and never will sleep on my chest as a tiny newborn again.

Moments like yesterday, dropping off the clothes, I feel caught in between the sadness of leaving the past and the excitement of the coming stages. They leave me longing for these times to happen again. Yet I have to look forward to our future together, grateful that he's still here to watch develop into the amazing little man he is.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Life

Life with a kiddo here is definitely different than life before kids. We do our best to incorporate Parker into our daily life, continuing to do things we were doing before, just with him included. But certain events are coming up now that don't make that quite so easy, I think especially for me.

Tomorrow I've been invited to a work event that is solely for my coworkers and myself. And it's left me so torn. We have some new members on the team, and so it will be a good team-building event. But after being gone all day from Parker, and pumping, I'm not sure I can make myself leave him for even longer. I wonder, is it just the nursing I'm worried about? Or is it moreso how much time with him I'll be missing? Most likely a combo of the two. And while I think team-building events outside of work are so important, I just can't bring myself to leave Parker for so long in one day.

Will it be easier when he's older and no longer nursing? There will be so many more after work events that I'll eventually need to be going to again. And then there will be whole trips! Conferences! How do parents do it? I love every moment with my newest little man, and am afraid to miss anything now, especially after missing everything with Korbin.

I guess I'll just have to figure this out in time, and just keep doing my best to navigate life with Parker in it.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

5 Months!

Today P is 5 months old, and I still can't believe he's here and he's ours to keep. Someone commented recently that she feels like she's babysitting and someone's coming to pick up her kid at the end of the day. After losing a child, it seriously feels like that all the time. And then I have this moment of ecstatic clarity that P is mine and he's really here and I really do get to be his mommy and care for him and make big scary decisions about how we want to raise him and care for him the best way we see fit. We are so blessed to have the chance to do that! And my heart just swells with how much I love him and having him here with us.

Watching him grow and develop never gets old! He'll work hard on something like rolling over for so long, get worked up and frustrated time after time. And then suddenly he masters it and it's all he can do now! Absolutely amazing and exciting to watch.

There are so many things he's doing now: rubbing his eyes when he's tired, pursing his lips (would love to capture in a photo!), looking at and grabbing his legs during diaper changes, trying to sit up (baby an crunches!), blowing bubbles (oh the drool now...), squealing and screeching and finding his much louder voice, grasping things, reaching out and holding onto toys, and he even scooted forward three times after he rolled back to front! So much is happening, it's awesome.

And there are some tender moments I'll cherish forever. At about 17weeks I was about to nurse him one day and he stopped, looking directly at Korbin's foot prints. And then he reached out and touched them. I of course teared up but was able to tell P that those foot prints are his brother Korbin's. Such a special moment.

Also, while nursing he'll stop eating, look up at me and then just smile so big. My heart just melts, despite how much my boob hurts since he's not eating as fully when he does this. It's now turned into latch, look up and smile, unlatch, repeat. Over and over and over again. Hey little man, that milk needs to leave my boob and get in your belly! I just have to laugh about it.

He's become so squirmy while nursing that at times I feel like I have to tackle and hold him down just to get him to focus and eat! I laugh now....

Ryan and P have such a fun and playful relationship. They have their own games that I try to mimic but of course the smiles and smiles only happen when Ry plays them with P. It's so random, but Ry holds Parker's little hands between his own and runs them as though to warm them up on a cold day, and P laughs and giggles so much from this! I love watching the two of them. It's really fascinating to me how we're both so important to P, but in our own individual ways.

Loving every moment with my little man here with us.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Grateful

With how heavy my heart's been lately, I've had to try and focus my mind and heart on the good things in life.

First, my little family here. Parker and Ryan. Thank God for Ryan to keep me in check, and thank God we get to have P here with us to keep us going. And our puppy dogs, who are still such a huge part of our family.

Second, our home that is finally getting the love it deserves. And that we found someone willing to do the work!

Third, delicious food all around us, both home cooked and in restaurants. The fact that we can afford to stretch the food budget to try new things. And that we can spend the time to cook together.

Next, our jobs so we can enjoy some frills in life. From cute cloth diapers to car parts. Things we want but don't necessarily need.

And of course there is the support of those we love around, from family and friends. Especially those that ask about Korbin and don't turn away when we're needing to talk about our grief. We need them so much, and appreciate them even more.

All these things and more to keep me going each day. Just one foot in front of the other.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Bad Dreams

Today P work up rather upset and it felt as if he was yelling at me for being gone all day. I asked him if he'd had a bad dream, and then I was crying. My mind went back to how much (even to this day) I wish I could wake up from the nightmare of losing Korbin.
This led me to the feeling that nothing can happen to me, because P needs me. And it wasn't a selfish feeling at all, it was more so this deep down gut-wrenching feeling of abandonment that he could feel if I were to suddenly be gone from his life. The same feeling I have, in a way, about Korbin being gone. And then I remembered daycare as a kid. It took a while for my parents to find one that really fit my sister and me well. Before they did, I still have memories of sitting at the window crying so hard that my mom was driving away and leaving us for the day. Or even of being home with my mom and crying in frustration that my dad was yet again leaving us for work. I think this all plays into my mixed emotions regarding returning to work right now. That feeling of loneliness, emptiness, even abandonment. I can't stand the thought of P feeling this way. Could leaving him for just the day do this to him?
Of course, I know we aren't abandoning him (nor were my parents abandoning my sister or me). And I know that going to work is a good decision for my family's life and striving to improve it. But deep down, I guess I'm still wishing I could wake up from the nightmare in which Korbin was taken from us much too soon.
Because I got a lotta love to give.