Another Donation

Yesterday I finally had a chance to drop off the box of newborn clothes at the NICU where Parker was for a month. While it felt good to give these items to the babies there now, whose parents probably aren't concerned with buying clothes just yet as their only focus is getting their kid to eat and grow and come home, it still left me with a pit in my stomach.

While P was there, he wore the same five or so onesies on repeat, and at times didn't have clothes due to too many blow outs before laundry time. At that time, I made up my mind to give his newborn outfits (just the ones with snaps, so many wires that need access!) so that other baby (boys especially) weren't without. I collected them all, a dear friend contributed a portion of what she had once her son outgrew his, and boxed them up. And then the box sat in the half-way nursery, then the trunk, back in the house, the car, the house until finally, months later, I could bring myself to let go.

This made the end of the teeny tiny baby feel complete, over, gone forever. And though I love watching my little man here grow and develop and feel excited about what's next for him and for us, the finality of it made me sad, and wistful. Can't he be a tiny newborn again? Just for a little bit?

I read a bit of writing recently that talked about the end. Your baby nurses and needs you until one they nurse one last time, and then they never nurse again. He will hold our hands and then one day will be the last day he ever holds our hands again. P used to sleep on my chest in the morning on our days together, just the two of us. Then one day he didn't, and now he's grown so much and never will sleep on my chest as a tiny newborn again.

Moments like yesterday, dropping off the clothes, I feel caught in between the sadness of leaving the past and the excitement of the coming stages. They leave me longing for these times to happen again. Yet I have to look forward to our future together, grateful that he's still here to watch develop into the amazing little man he is.

Because I got a lotta love to give.