Today P work up rather upset and it felt as if he was yelling at me for being gone all day. I asked him if he'd had a bad dream, and then I was crying. My mind went back to how much (even to this day) I wish I could wake up from the nightmare of losing Korbin.
This led me to the feeling that nothing can happen to me, because P needs me. And it wasn't a selfish feeling at all, it was more so this deep down gut-wrenching feeling of abandonment that he could feel if I were to suddenly be gone from his life. The same feeling I have, in a way, about Korbin being gone. And then I remembered daycare as a kid. It took a while for my parents to find one that really fit my sister and me well. Before they did, I still have memories of sitting at the window crying so hard that my mom was driving away and leaving us for the day. Or even of being home with my mom and crying in frustration that my dad was yet again leaving us for work. I think this all plays into my mixed emotions regarding returning to work right now. That feeling of loneliness, emptiness, even abandonment. I can't stand the thought of P feeling this way. Could leaving him for just the day do this to him?
Of course, I know we aren't abandoning him (nor were my parents abandoning my sister or me). And I know that going to work is a good decision for my family's life and striving to improve it. But deep down, I guess I'm still wishing I could wake up from the nightmare in which Korbin was taken from us much too soon.
Because I got a lotta love to give.
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