Pumping

As of late I've been having nightmares surrounding the idea of extended pumping upon my return to work. They all involve lost breast milk, and leave me feeling anxious, worried and upset. It's so obvious to me that these nightmares are connected to my return to pumping in place of nursing.

There is just so much fear! Fear that my supply won't be enough for what he needs while I'm away. Fear that I will drop a bottle and spill the liquid gold within it. Fear that the pump will suddenly stop working and I'll be left unable to pump, which will lead my drop in supply. Fear that Parker will wean himself from nursing much sooner than I would like. All seemingly irrational and yet so rational.

I have hundreds of ounces frozen (another fear: the deep freezer will go caput and my entire frozen stash will be lost, this makes me sick to my stomach!), and he only needs 3oz per bottle, and only two to three bottles per day that I am gone. I am pumping twice a day currently, so I am still adding to my stash. And I will pump and pump and pump and pump, as much as I possibly can if he weans early due to an increase in bottle feeds. And while I hate pumping and the time it takes away from doing other things, I do like the control of it. I can see what I am producing, tweak volumes with my diet if needed. As I've mentioned before, it is really the one thing that I can control, versus the chaos that was the NICU and Ps first month in this world.

My feelings toward pumping are apparently shared with other pumping moms. Here is a great article that explains this love hate relationship between a mother and her breast pump:

http://m.today.com/parents/why-working-moms-are-frenemies-our-breast-pumps-1D79840234

I couldn't stop shouting in my head, yes! Yes! Yes! What really stuck out to me was the explanation of how natural breast milk is for my Baby love 2, as compared to all the unnatural things he has been subjected to. From ultrasounds almost daily to multiple blood transfusions to a 'planned' and yet unplanned early c-section, my pregnancy with P and his first couple months of life were surrounded by the unnatural. Everything so completely opposite the natural birth I had envisioned from even before I was pregnant with Korbin.

Because of this, I will do everything I can to continue to have this ability to give such wonderful, and natural, sustenance to my precious second baby boy.

Because I got a lotta love to give.