Giving Back

Major events in life tend to pull a person into action for a cause. Whether it is fundraising for cancer research, becoming a facilitator in a support group, or just trying to spread awareness to the unsuspecting, people suddenly can feel the need to do something more for those around them who may be affected by the same type of life event.

For me, it used to be breast cancer research. I found a lump in my left breast when I was 19 and had to have it removed and then biopsied. The lump was just a benign fibroid, typical in young women. But it was larger than average and the scariest thing I had gone through at that point in my life. I raised a lot of money for breast cancer research, even did the Breast Cancer 3-Day one year, but then switched my efforts to general cancer research and awareness after my aunt died rather suddenly of ovarian cancer. Why should one type of cancer get all the attention when people die of so many different types?

Now I feel such a pull toward the small percentage of parents like me. So what can I do? I'm still too early in my grief journey to offer support as a facilitator or start a support group. Can I spread awareness? How do I do that without scaring new parents into worrying constantly, possibly for no reason?

For example, one couple I met a few months ago just shared they were pregnant, and then proceeded to tell the couple next to them with a new puppy that, so what if they got a dog, they got a kid! They're winning! Only 3mo pregnant. I wanted to yell at them to never ever make a comment like that because they don't know the other couples' history. And only 3mo along...so mucj can go wrong.... What if the other couple had tried? What if they've had repeated miscarriages? What if they can't have kids of their own? Obviously this couple didn't know our back story. And I didn't say anything. I just tuned them out. I didn't want to freak them out when they potentially have nothing to worry about.

And really, I just want to warn people that, even though our society says that when you're pregnant you're for sure bringing a baby home, it doesn't always happen that way. I want to tell them my story. But I want them to take it as a caution that just because you're young and healthy, that doesn't mean your pregnancy will be fine and you can be hands-off about your care. That any little thing you notice is a big deal and should be discussed and checked by a physician. But then do I need to get OBs involved and on board? How the heck do I do something like that? Even at my work we treat pregnancy as, 'yay! You're taking a baby home!' We're definitely trying to be hopeful, but does that ever cross over into being unrealistic?

When i was pregnant, I glossed over the bad things that can happen in pregnancy books with the thought that of course that could never happen to me. I've denied the extra testing because I'm young so why would I need to worry about that? Nothing was impressed upon me by nurses or physicians or people I know who've been pregnant that I needed to worry about, or that anything I experienced was a problem. I think mostly because I'm young and healthy and therefore everything will be fine.

Unfortunately that was not the case for me. Nor does it seem to have been the case for most in my support group. We all seem to report a healthy pregnancy with no real issues. Nothing to worry about and therefore the loss came as such an incredible shock. That's not the case for all losses. Some are definitely due to real health or genetic issues that can only maybe be helped with lots of monitoring. Those losses are still devastating. They are all devastating.

Can we prevent a loss like mine from happening when the young and healthy have such a hands-off attitude?

I know, way too many questions and not a lot of answers! But this is something I think about often. And wonder what I can do about it, and how I can put that into action.

Because I got a lotta love to give.