A Poem

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me

By David M Romano

When tomorrow starts without me

And I’m not here to see

If the sun should rise and find your eyes

All filled with tears for me

I wish you wouldn’t cry 

The Way you did today

While thinking of the many things

We did not get to say

I know how much you love me

As much as I love you

Each time that you think of me

I know you will miss me too

When tomorrow starts with out me

Please try to understand

That an angel came and called my name

And took me by the hand

The angel said my place was ready

In heaven far above

And That I would have to leave behind

All those I Dearly Love

But When I walked through Heaven’s Gates

I felt so much at home

When GOD looked down and smiled at me 

From his golden throne

He said This Is Eternity

And All I promised you

Today for life on earth is done

But Here it starts a new

I promise no tomorrow 

For today will always last

And Since each day’s the exact same way

There is no longing for the past

So When Tomorrow starts without me

Do not think we’re apart

For every time you think of me 

Remember I’m right here in your heart

Forever in my heart, Korbin.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Baptism

So, you'd think I would be on top of this. Date set once we knew P was coming home from the NICU, family and close friends invited and an outfit picked out. Nope, I just know I want him baptized. But that is it!

Up until recently I couldn't figure out why I was holding off on something I feel is so important. Then I realized I was actually somewhat traumatized by Ks baptism. It sounds odd, but there was just this finality in K being baptized. A rush to do it before his little heart stopped beating for good. Trying to bear death. It's like a part of me deep down is worried that something will take P away from us once we finally have him baptized. And so I keep pushing it off, and just think about it here and there and how we still need to do it.

At the same time, I do feel a push to do it because what if something happens and P wasn't baptized in time? I honestly never thought this could be such a difficult thing to set up. Especially when it was such a no brainer with K. There was no doubt I wanted him baptized. And there's no doubt I want P baptized.

Just something I'll have to figure out in time.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Tainted

I know I'm a part of a different club that no one wants to join, but I never expected to feel shunned by those around me on the outside. 

There is the pregnant coworker who will barely speak to me, let alone look me in the eye. And I feel like she can't run away from me fast enough. I get it, I'm not the picture of a perfect pregnancy and healthy living children. I'm tainted now. And this new aspect of my loss has really started to bother me as it's one I never thought I'd have to deal with. And it actually really hurts.

Especially now, during the month of October when people in the DBC like me try to remember our lost little loves (not like we ever stop thinking of them) and bring awareness to the harsh reality of losing a child, I'm seeing how much we've become outsiders from the norms of society.

I saw this in my news feed the other day:

Really? Hide people. I hid all the happy pregnant people for two years because I couldn't stand it, it hurt so much to see others so happy. But I never would have posted that they needed to stop being happy because I was hurting so much inside. I guess the opposite is okay, though, because only happiness and joy are accepted these days. We've become a society that ignores the dark and scary sadness instead of acknowledging that it happens. I guess it's just easier that way.

No wonder it is so incredibly difficult to deal with loss and the pain and sadness and ache for your lost loves. It's not okay for us to speak out about it because it makes others uncomfortable, so we're supposed to forget and keep quiet.

But I will NEVER stop talking about or remembering or loving my precious little Korbin. I miss him with all my heart and soul, with every fiber of my being.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Full Time

I just finished my first week back full time at work and it was rough. It ended up being as difficult as I had thought it would be, and had hoped it wouldn't. Being away from P so many days in a row sucked! And yet I know I can do this.

I felt okay from Sunday through Wednesday, especially since I was getting so much done at work. But Thursday was difficult as I had trouble with the new techniques I'm learning, and by the end of the day I felt drained completely, and emotional. Not being completely successful at work made me feel like I was making a mistake going back full time so soon. And this made me wish I was home having snuggle time with P that much more, instead of struggling at work.

It's such a hard balance to find, to be a working mom. There are too few hours in the day to feel completely satisfied at work and at home. After a full day of work, there's still laundry and dishes, dinner, cleaning pump parts and setting up milk and diapers and spare clothes for the next day. That all takes so much time away from P, on top of being away from him all day for work.

Yet I know working is good for me, but I want to be at home so much still. I fear I'll be losing some important moments with our second little man. First steps? First word? What will it be? Hopefully nothing! It was all I could do to not burst into tears thinking about these things driving home from the tough work day to pick up P from daycare.

Here's to hoping I find the balance between work and home sooner than later.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Six Months Strong

This past week I have been, well, giddy about breast feeding. Random, I know. But we've hit six months now, and are still going strong. Though I want us to go at least a year, six months is my first mini goal that I still was honestly afraid we wouldn't make it to.

What's crazy to me is that I used to think that six months was long enough to nurse and that one should stop after that. What was I thinking? I hadn't even read or researched nutrition for infants at the time, I was just going off of what I had seen in society (even then six months was super long). And yet I knew I didn't want to go the formula route. So really, what was I thinking?

At this point, and all along our whole bf journey so far, I am just so grateful. Especially since I feared going back to work and reintroducing bottles so often would lead P away from wanting to actually nurse. Just like my first day away, he still wants to nurse soon after I get home, today he even reached his arms out toward me. He smiles and smacks his lips and cuddles up to me. It warms my heart and I am just so thankful and grateful for the amazing bond we get to build with each other right now.

This bond is something I have fought so hard for. Through seeing countless lactation consultants, and even building a relationship with a pump (yes, it happens...you just have to learn to love it I guess to make it work). Through losing out on the bond with Korbin too, which is what has fueled my fight in building this bond with P. I switched to nursing sooner than the NICU recommended, and away from bottles and added vitamins as well, knowing breast is best. I found the confidence I needed to do what I feel is best for P and his growth and health. With his recent check up, I'd say I chose right for us!

Knowing this, and the bond we continue to build, I want to and will continue for as long as possible. A year? Two years? Only P can tell when the time to wean will be. Until then, I'll just keep being giddy about each mini goal we surpass.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Half a Year

I can't believe P has been with us for half a year already!! Saying it like that makes it sound so much longer than just saying 6 months, too. And so much is happening for him, I never get tired of seeing him meet developmental milestones.

He has now mastered rolling over completely. Back to front came easiest and first, and front to back followed shortly. Tummy time is now floor time on a blanket that got bigger and bigger as he began covering more space and we needed to keep him off the dog hair covered floor (yes we vacuum...but the shedding is constant so there is always hair on the floor). He rolls to his toys and grasps and holds them and chews them. We still think he may be teething, and who knows how long that process is going to last now. It's already been a few months of chewing and copious amounts of drool!

He's now wanting to sit up, so we hold his arms or hands and he wobbles about. On his own he overcompensated and head dives to the front or one side. We keep him with us while we eat dinner and he has started mimicking us eating now. He'll hold out his hand, bring it to his mouth and then make a chewing-like motion. When he's on my lap he wants to see where the food is going (in my mouth of course) and then tries to grab it too. He's getting so close to trying solids! I'm excited yet still wanting to just nurse for a bit longer.

He talks so much now. It's hard to talk normally back instead of imitate his babbling. He responds to both which is really fun. So I started speaking Spanish to him too. Saying things in English first then Spanish, or Spanish then English. I started looking into some language classes for kiddos, but it's hard to find one that will work with my full time schedule.

He's big enough now that we removed the infant insert in his car seat, too. Some days I feel so happy and proud yet sad too that he's grown so much. Other days I feel like he's still my tiny little guy, because he is still a little guy.

He just started reaching for his legs and feet the other day (the 9th actually). And still at times notices his hands and looks at them in total awe and amazement. They catch his eye suddenly, it's so funny to see.

And he has started to have a bit of a personal bubble and will push our faces or our hands away if he's what we call done with us. Just like Ryan!

Every day I have this awe-struck moment of total amazement that oh my god he is still here and with us. He's ours and we're not just baby sitting for someone and we get to keep him. Every day! And I am loving every moment of life with my littlest man.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Another Donation

Yesterday I finally had a chance to drop off the box of newborn clothes at the NICU where Parker was for a month. While it felt good to give these items to the babies there now, whose parents probably aren't concerned with buying clothes just yet as their only focus is getting their kid to eat and grow and come home, it still left me with a pit in my stomach.

While P was there, he wore the same five or so onesies on repeat, and at times didn't have clothes due to too many blow outs before laundry time. At that time, I made up my mind to give his newborn outfits (just the ones with snaps, so many wires that need access!) so that other baby (boys especially) weren't without. I collected them all, a dear friend contributed a portion of what she had once her son outgrew his, and boxed them up. And then the box sat in the half-way nursery, then the trunk, back in the house, the car, the house until finally, months later, I could bring myself to let go.

This made the end of the teeny tiny baby feel complete, over, gone forever. And though I love watching my little man here grow and develop and feel excited about what's next for him and for us, the finality of it made me sad, and wistful. Can't he be a tiny newborn again? Just for a little bit?

I read a bit of writing recently that talked about the end. Your baby nurses and needs you until one they nurse one last time, and then they never nurse again. He will hold our hands and then one day will be the last day he ever holds our hands again. P used to sleep on my chest in the morning on our days together, just the two of us. Then one day he didn't, and now he's grown so much and never will sleep on my chest as a tiny newborn again.

Moments like yesterday, dropping off the clothes, I feel caught in between the sadness of leaving the past and the excitement of the coming stages. They leave me longing for these times to happen again. Yet I have to look forward to our future together, grateful that he's still here to watch develop into the amazing little man he is.

Because I got a lotta love to give.