Father's Day 2014

Happy Father's Day to my amazing husband, the father of both of our beautiful children, Korbin and Parker! It's days like today that I miss having a photo of Ryan and Korbin together. Thankfully, with today's technology, I have a million of him and Parker! It may not make up (mostly emotionally) for not having more pictures of Korbin, but I'm so grateful to be able to continue to capture the moments that Ryan and Parker have together.

I love my boys!!

Side note: my gripe at the moment is that this is NOT Ryan's first Father's Day as some have mentioned recently! This is, in fact, his third! The first couple may have been rough, but Korbin made Ryan a father starting December 2011. This is of course where we exercise a lot of patience as we hear comments that to us are so untrue. We remember Korbin when others do not.

Because we got a lotta love to give.

3 months!

Our second little man is growing so fast! I can't believe he's already a quarter of a year old! It is so fun to watch grow and learn, and just amazing that we have him here with us.

The past four weeks he has started to smile so much more, even making eye contact and cooing at us when he smiles. This just melts my heart! So beautiful to see. And I thought it would never happen, but his belly button has been pulling itself in on occasion now. This means his stomach muscles are developing, which are what pull it back into place and hopefully keep it there! He's made his first vocal sound that wasn't just a coo or sighing sound, as though he's finding his voice (silly connection, but I remember Bear as a tiny puppy finding her voice, such a fun memory! Now she won't stop barking, ha!).

As he hit the three month mark he has just started laughing, although it may still be more of a giggle at this point. Either way it is precious to hear. He is now reaching for my hand when I hold it up in front of him. His fists remain closed, but I can see the concentration and work it takes just to try and make his hand meet mine. Amazing! He has also discovered his hands as a chew toy, and is drooling like crazy. He makes an 'ooooh' (like Winnie the Pooh) sound and is becoming interactive with his sounds and smiles. I love our morning chats! Such good learning for him to watch me talk to him.

Such a wonderful blessing, this little human we get to have with is. And we're loving every minute of watching him grow.

Because we got a lotta love to give.

What's in a Name

I love the story of how Parker's name came to be. And I absolutely love his name! Yet, I find myself rarely using his name when speaking to him. Instead, we call him a whole host of cutesy nicknames. This is odd for me as I've never been one to come up with nicknames for others. Even Ryan is only Ryan to me (while he has so many nicknames for me I don't even remember what he's come up with at the moment).
Anyway, when I was probably about 16weeks pregnant, we went to the aquarium to just walk around for a bit. Ryan had come home recently with the most perfect name, Parker, and all other options he had mentioned were just gone (and I'd hated every one of them too, so this one really stuck and I was attached to it immediately). At the time, I could have sworn Baby Love 2 was a girl. Everything felt so different, this one just had to be. Well, while walking around the aquarium that day, we heard a parent call out, "Korbin, come here!" And a little boy went running. I smiled, just thinking about Korbin. Then, we heard, "Parker, come here!" And again, a little boy went running. Ryan and I just looked at each other wondering, 'did you just hear/see that?!?' Of course, we found out just a few weeks later Parker was a boy and most definitely not a girl. But that was it, that name stuck. And so began my chats with Parker in utero.
Yet, no matter how much I used his name while he was still in my belly, I rarely call him by his actual name now. He is my buddy, bud, little mister, my boy, cutie pie, little buddy and so many more. But why don't I use his actual name? I used it for months before he was born. Even a bit in the NICU. Why not now? I wonder if it's because I almost feel awkward calling him by his name. I know, it sounds weird. But when I use his name, it feels so unnatural. I mean, he's definitely a Parker, he's our Parker. But using his actual name just doesn't sit right yet. And then I wonder if that's because I so desperately want to talk to Korbin out loud, to call his name out, but I can't. And not being able to use Korbin's name, not being able to actually speak to him as physically present, makes me unable to use Parker's name, even though he is here.
Obviously this is something I need to get over. I'm going to have use Parker's name at some point and get used to saying it out loud. I guess thinking back, it was hard for me to say Korbin's name in front of others without trouble at first. His name brought out so much emotion I just couldn't utter it. And yet now I need to hear it and say it. So I can't let that affect how I am with Parker (right, easier said that done!). He deserves his time and for his name to be used too.
Because I got a lotta love to give.

Pumping

As of late I've been having nightmares surrounding the idea of extended pumping upon my return to work. They all involve lost breast milk, and leave me feeling anxious, worried and upset. It's so obvious to me that these nightmares are connected to my return to pumping in place of nursing.

There is just so much fear! Fear that my supply won't be enough for what he needs while I'm away. Fear that I will drop a bottle and spill the liquid gold within it. Fear that the pump will suddenly stop working and I'll be left unable to pump, which will lead my drop in supply. Fear that Parker will wean himself from nursing much sooner than I would like. All seemingly irrational and yet so rational.

I have hundreds of ounces frozen (another fear: the deep freezer will go caput and my entire frozen stash will be lost, this makes me sick to my stomach!), and he only needs 3oz per bottle, and only two to three bottles per day that I am gone. I am pumping twice a day currently, so I am still adding to my stash. And I will pump and pump and pump and pump, as much as I possibly can if he weans early due to an increase in bottle feeds. And while I hate pumping and the time it takes away from doing other things, I do like the control of it. I can see what I am producing, tweak volumes with my diet if needed. As I've mentioned before, it is really the one thing that I can control, versus the chaos that was the NICU and Ps first month in this world.

My feelings toward pumping are apparently shared with other pumping moms. Here is a great article that explains this love hate relationship between a mother and her breast pump:

http://m.today.com/parents/why-working-moms-are-frenemies-our-breast-pumps-1D79840234

I couldn't stop shouting in my head, yes! Yes! Yes! What really stuck out to me was the explanation of how natural breast milk is for my Baby love 2, as compared to all the unnatural things he has been subjected to. From ultrasounds almost daily to multiple blood transfusions to a 'planned' and yet unplanned early c-section, my pregnancy with P and his first couple months of life were surrounded by the unnatural. Everything so completely opposite the natural birth I had envisioned from even before I was pregnant with Korbin.

Because of this, I will do everything I can to continue to have this ability to give such wonderful, and natural, sustenance to my precious second baby boy.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Smiles Part 2

The past four or five days now, Parker has had a moment of giving the biggest smile possible. His eyes light up, dimples show in full effect, and my heart melts. It's been happening when he locks his eyes with mine - only adding to how much my heart melts - until today.

Today, he looked over my left shoulder, and there was this beautiful smile. He coos, smiles, and just looks so beautiful. I want to capture this, but I can't look away to grab my phone to snap a shot. And I'm okay with that. Especially this time as I asked P who he was smiling at. And then I asked him if he was smiling at Korbin. The smile lasted just a few seconds longer, as long as it has been since this started, and then the moment passed, leaving my heart aching, on top of already being melted.

When Ry is home with us, I'm okay. We're (almost) all here, together, living the life we have now. But when he goes to work, for some reason the loneliness creeps in, and I start missing Korbin and thinking of him more strongly than when Ry is here. My heart just starts to ache more. And I cry for Korbin each day.

I'm grateful Korbin is here with Parker, doing the most amazing job of watching over his little brother. And I find it just so beautiful that he made P smile today.

I may be in my moment of tears right now, but it's for a mix of being thankful and grateful and longing and sad and blessed all at once. I hope Korbin is always watching over Parker, as he has his whole life ahead of him (I so hope and wish and pray).

And because we got a lotta love to give.

Smiles

Quite possibly one of the most amazing things to see, I swear, is when your baby looks to really, truly smile at you.

Today, for the second day in a row, Parker has given me the most beautiful, huge, twinkly eyed smile I've ever seen a baby make. And he did the same with Ry yesterday. I just so absolutely love seeing him do this. Part of me wants to grab my phone to capture such a beautiful moment, and yet I dare not miss a second of it looking away to do so. Being in the moment is so much more important these days (even though I do manage to take like 100 photos a day...okay, maybe exaggerating...but I take a TON).

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Precious moments

Time is flying by way too quickly these days. Parker is growing, developing, changing, right before my very eyes. And I just can't seem to slow things down enough.

Sometimes it feels a bit depressing, thinking about going back to work, everything I'll be missing each day. I get filled with anxiety at times, even though I look forward to one day returning to the work I do outside of home. But I just so love watching him. I could sit and stare at him, hold him, snuggle him, all day long. Yet I need to eat, do dishes, pay bills, check laundry because he spits up on everything (I stopped changing my clothes each time...it's not worth it!), think about dinner, etc. where's the balance? How do you put your precious baby down to do something so dull and meaningless? How do you stop doing this:

To catch up on this:

?!? The pile is even larger now...but a huge part of me doesn't really care. A poem in the NICU talked about how the dust bunnies and whatnot can wait, because my baby can't stop growing and changing. So we need to hold him now.

Because we got a lotta love to give.