Photo time

We wanted some wireless (and outside the NICU) shots so our friend Jon Kaplan of Jon Kaplan Photography helped us out and captured some great shots. My only regret is that we didn't include Korbin Bear in a couple of the family photos. For whatever reason I didn't think Ry or I would be in any of the shots, and that we'd just be capturing P on film. Silly me! And now we know for next time!

Here are some of my favorites from the shoot, which was at the end of April (when P was technically an official newborn by gestational age):

And I did my own mini shoot to include Korbin Bear:

I do wish we'd gotten some of the neat more prop-type photos, the ones that really show how tiny P really is. And I wish I'd done something better with my hair, and worn different pants.... But I still love the moments captured and am planning to get many printed and framed for our home.

I think ours just really show the love we have for P (I just can't put him down!).

And We got a lotta love to give.

Supply

After being a slave to the pump in the for so long, I became desperate to get nursing figured out. I mean come on now, our Baby Love 2 is home now, and yet I was still pumping and then measuring out specific amounts and hoping he'd eat it all. I need that bonding time with this new little one, we've gone too long already without it.

I stopped the formula additive as soon as he was discharged. Formula can be a good thing, but I don't want it for our second baby. He's being checked once a week so far so we can see quickly if that was a bad idea or not. So far, he is still gaining weight. Yay! I feel so much better without adding that.

But as I did a hard stop of pumping over the last weekend, and switched solely to breast feeding, I felt the huge decline in my supply. And this made my heart sink and my stomach ache. Could this have been panic attack number three coming on?

I immediately scheduled an appointment with a lactation nurse, and started up pumping again. My supply returned, but do I really have to keep this up? Can I emotionally make the switch? I need to see what I'm producing, yet it's time away from Parker. And exhausting.

The hard part now is not knowing my volumes when I nurse, and just trusting Parker is eating enough for him. Yet not knowing my volumes is really hard on me as my volumes are something I became so proud of while P was in the NICU. The nurses would always comment on how lucky he is, to not have to worry about getting enough of my milk without supplementing. And it became something I could control with my diet and taking supplements. Most importantly, breast milk is like the one thing I can give Parker. I have to be able to continue this!

After meeting with the lactation nurse, I feel such relief in the new knowledge she gave me. Turns out, I'm a super producer. At my peak when I was solely pumping, I was producing 40oz+ a day. The average: 20oz. Okay, I guess I'm doing okay. But, as hard as it will be mentally to do so, I have to reduce this for P. Being a super producer means he only gets fore milk, and none of the fatty hind milk where the major calories are. This imbalance can mean tummy troubles for him, which would explain the green poops since switching.

Thankfully, the volume reduction isn't forever. Biology is amazing. As he needs more, he'll stimulate my body to produce more.

For now, I'm on a pumping reduction plan for the next two weeks, taking out one pumping session a day until we're solely EBF. This will be hard mentally and emotionally for me as, again, this feels like the one thing I've been able to do for P and have control of. But it must be done so I can produce what's best for him.

The time I spend nursing P is so important, especially as I never had the opportunity to do so with Korbin. Which is why in my mind I have to make this work and keep it up for as long as possible.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Day 20

Today the frustration is really setting in regarding how long Parker has been in the NICU. That coupled with being 'cared for' by seemingly not-so-interested or uncaring nurses is making me a very unhappy mom right now. And unfortunately, I think Parker can sense it and it's causing him stress.

Today the OT came by during his first nippling of the day (bottle this time). Thank God she came by. After 15min (of the 30min he gets to finish at least 75%), I decided to burp him. Upon pulling the bottle away, the OT noticed the nipple was collapsed, which means the cap was on too tight which restricts flow as it doesn't allow venting. The whole time P had been sucking away, and yet he'd barely finished 10mL. This compared to how he sucks down a whole bottle twice every night; I was not pleased to hear this. She asked if I prepared the bottle and I said no, the nurse had. Of course the nurse turned around immediately and began watching everything. So, I told the OT, loud enough that the nurse could hear, that this really frustrates me as I feel like P's been set up for failure every morning since he started this second phase. I said he sucks away the entire 30min, but then passes out and only finishes 15-20mL at most.

Of course, there could be other factors playing into his day vs night feedings. Night time is dark and quiet, and much less stressful than the activity of day time. He's also a distracted eater. He looks around and wants to see what is happening around him instead of focusing on actually eating. So the increased activity and light of day distract him. He also could still have day and night switched in that he's more alert at night than during the day, very typical for a preemie, and even newborns. As much as this all makes sense and I know he is learning so much still being only 36weeks, I just want him to fly through these final feeding phases so we can get him home.

He's already almost 6lbs, and in just that one pound since birth, he has grown and changed so much. Knowing that I'm missing a lot of this is so discouraging, along with the continual restarting of phase two of the feeding pathway. Despite how quickly he sucked down the morning feeding with the OT there, he barely finished 20mL for his second nippling. I was pushing so hard, burping him, adjusting him to make sure his position was correct, changing sides to be sure he wasn't distracted. It didn't matter, he wasn't ready and he tried to make it clear by making the baby 'stop' signal: stretching both arms out straight in front of him and straining his neck. I ddn't know that's what that meant till now with the nurse explaining that to me. He can't be pushed. And my pushing and stressing probably just stressed him out, making him say 'no, this is definitely not the right time.'

It is becoming increasingly difficult to leave the hospital each day without Parker, our Baby Love 2. It's like a cruel joke, or even a semi sweet dream that ends in a nightmare each day. He's alive and healthy, with just a couple of things we can treat as he gets older. Yet he's not fully with us yet. We have to leave him with someone else to care for him, and I feel like we miss so much in that time without him. We already lost all time with Korbin, and so this is becoming a reminder of all of that lost time. I don't want to keep losing time with Parker, even time off from work at home with him. I see it dwindling away as each day passes. I wanted three whole months at home with him. We've already lost a week.

The frustration and feelings of intense loss make me feel like a failure as a mother. I'm not good enough to care for Parker myself, and that hurts so much. My heart just aches so much, and not only do I desperately want Parker home, but I also want Korbin home with us too. And yet somehow I need to remain calm for Parker, so he doesn't feel any stress and can do what he needs to do in the appropriate amount of time. The sooner he can figure out the eating thing, the sooner he can be home and the sooner we can relax and just be a family.

Because we got a lotta love to give.

Day 16

Okay, since I can't keep up with doing a bunch of days at once (the post would be way too long), I'm going to do a smaller post for each day Parker's here. Expect a lot of backdated posts in the near future! I guess it's moreso me trying to keep good record of our NICU journey.

Every day has been such a huge step forward!

Today is Sunday, March 30th, and Parker is now 16 days old. He had just one more nipple feed to do to pass Phase I of his feeding pathway, and I was so anxious to catch the right feeding time. But he did it! Only left a few mLs in the bottle. He's becoming such a good eater!

The nurse today commented on how many expressions he makes, which she also said isn't very common for his age. I've noticed that, when he's finished eating, he makes this really worried face, scrunching up his eyebrows.

Of course I just can't take enough pictures! Every day. Even if nothing's changed or looking different at all. I'm totally one of those moms, and I don't care! We even did a mini photo shoot with a March of Dimes volunteer photographer this morning, including Korbin Bear. Those pictures will be so great to see in a couple of weeks!

Since Parker's really only just needing to eat well enough to keep gaining weight, Ry put the car seat in today too. 

Despite Parker being here, and everything we're doing for him, this still feels unreal. I mean, we go home each day and continue on like before he was here. Making dinner, cleaning, paying bills, working (well, just Ry is working right now). The only difference at home is that I keep pumping every few hours. I just can't wait to bring him home!

Because we got a lotta love to give.

3 Days Old

This really should be titled 'Total Melt Down' as that is exactly what happened.

Today I was discharged. And this comes with such mixed emotions as I signed up for the parent rooms for the next three nights so that I don't have to leave the hospital. But I'm on a different floor than my precious baby now, and I'm not at home with Ryan and the pups.

As I packed up all my things (flowers, clothes, pumping supplies, way more than I thought I had with me), the nurses told me to order some extra food and take my time. This was the last time I could do so, and I hadn't thought about how I would get my next meals or where from. My mobility is still slow, I'm barely walking long distances (the hallways of the hospital), and now I have to walk so far just to see my son, my Baby Love 2. 

As I moved everything down four floors to my windowless hotel room, the shock of my first major change since having Parker began to settle in. I'd built this pumping routine that worked well, and now I had to search for pumps and go to a special room to pump, hope that there was space and even a pump available. This became my second major stressor of this change.

As I continued to try to coordinate this next phase, the shock and reality that I'd soon be leaving the hospital sank in. I was wandering one of the hallways and ran into Nargis, and completely broke down in front of her. The tears just couldn't stop.

We went back to my 'hotel' room where I just let all out. I don't want to leave with empty arms again, and yet I miss home with Ryan and the pups terribly. I don't know where the pumps are and the lady showing me things was not helpful and even a bit short with me. I had been trying so hard to hold myself together as this change approached, but my emotions completely overwhelmed me and I just could not stop crying.

The long chat with Nargis was helpful. I mean, she gets it after having had Ryan at 28weeks and having to leave without him. She suggested I stay tonight, and then try a night at home. I don't have to give up the room just yet, just see how I do with going home and coming back. There's a certain comfort in being a patient that is now gone. And there's definitely comfort in being home and in my own bed, and I will be in neither tonight, but I'll still be here with my baby. It's just so unnatural to leave the hospital without my baby, and I know this all too well unfortunately. How can I do it again?

Yes, he's alive and being well-cared for, but he's still not home and in my arms.

On top of this, Nargis noticed one of my legs is extremely swollen, and I've had to make an ultrasound appointment to be sure I don't have a blood clot in that leg. More walking long distances, more stress. Stupid cankle!

Before this whole melt down business began, I started the day well and decided Parker was going to text his dad daily updates. A picture and blood test results, as well as any news on lights and oxygen improvements.

Today's news was that his bilirubin is 9 right now, not horrible, but still high and not normal. The nurses are considering a dose of IVIG, which I think I've discussed before and how it essentially eats up my antibodies in his system, though not all. He's kicking so much in his sleep, and his primary nurse commented on how much he kicks. No wonder I felt kicks all day when I thought he should be sleeping!

I'm making sure I have physical contact with my Baby love 2 each day so far, especially since I haven't been able to hold him yet. Boy was I surprised when the nurse today asked if I wanted to hold him! I got 30minutes of pure bliss and skin-to-skin contact. It was beautiful and melted my heart:

I can't believe how tiny he is, and he just looks too fragile to hold:

But OMG he is just precious, so adorable!

And back under the lights he goes:

A volunteer made these signs to decorate his space too:

Something to scrapbook when we're finally home! And I know we have a long road here ahead of us, but I just can't wait till he's home.

Because we got a lotta love to give.

Two Days Old

Two days old and still so much happening with my second baby's tiny little body. He's getting daily blood draws to check his bilirubin levels; his poor feet! And his primary nurse is talking about putting in a PICC line, which can be difficult to do as it involves threading a tiny wire tube through a main vein in his foot, or hand or even head, all the way to his abdomen. How does nothing get punctured?!? This will help with getting him basic nutrients, though, until his stomach and intestines have developed enough to give him breast milk.

Unfortunately, the pneumo came back, this time covering the whole front of his chest, and again restricting his breathing. This area is too risky to aspirate by needle as they could easily puncture his lungs, so they opted for oxygen displacement therapy. They basically are flooding his body with 100% oxygen to push out the nitrogen buildup. The oxygen will then be reabsorbed by his body, and hopefully his lungs can continue to develop and heal.

The orangey spot below on his chest is the bit of bleeding below the sticky bandage they put over the aspiration site. :(

With every visit, during his care times so that I can see him without the lights, maybe even do a diaper change and take his temperature, I talk to Parker. I'm trying to keep this up, just like when he was still in my belly. Encouraging, telling him how strong he is, reminding him that he's a fighter and we're taking him home. I don't know if he can hear me through all the head gear and tubes and wires, but I still talk to him.

Today I am walking a bit further, down the hall without the wheel chair. It's difficult, but I've got to get up and move. To see Parker and to get myself healing that much faster. The perinatologist on staff is talking about my discharge now, which I don't want to think about as it means leaving the hospital without my baby, again. But, they may give me one more day, and then I can sign up for the parent rooms which are attached to the NICU. That way I'm still here, and I don't have to leave Parker here just yet.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

One Day Old

What an adventure we have been on since P's arrival (on pi day)! We've learned so much, and have had to keep up with constant change, thankfully almost all good and moving in a positive direction. I have of course taken a million pictures along the way, and it's still not over!

Being in recovery without our newest little guy was rough. Ryan got to run up to the NICU with Parker while my c-section was completed. After a couple of hours of monitoring me, I was finally wheeled up on a stretcher to see my second baby boy:

Here one of the nurse practitioners went over everything they're watching out for in him, and thankfully ended her list with, "Everything is treatable."

Thank God! I think my eyes just kept getting bigger and bigger.

I've already listed everything P needs to accomplish and get through in my last post, but here's how he's done since his arrival:

Not even a full day old and so many tubes and wires! He was puffy from the fluids they were pumping through his system, too. But he was getting a break from the lights and the CPAP machine every four hours to be sure nothing was reshaping his head.

In his first day out, he got what's called a pneumothorax (not sure I spelled that correctly...). Basically, the high pressure of air from the CPAP machine was too forceful for his little lungs, resulting in a hole in his lungs that made a huge pocket of air which restricted his breathing. Thankfully it was to the side of his lungs, so they could easily aspirate the air with a needle in his chest without the risk of further punctures to his lungs. This also meant he was taken off the CPAP and put on just a regular oxygen tube that has the prongs that go in his nostrils. Lower pressure too. 

Today I walked the two to three feet to the wheel chair from my hospital bed. It's amazing what the body is capable of after being sliced wide open! I think it's moreso that I am extremely motivated to see this wonderful little human whom I've been blessed with getting to have here with us right now. The physical pain is there, but I can ignore it so much more easily this time around. I just want to see and touch my baby boy.

I was afraid to at first, to touch his foot, or part of his little hand. But he's my baby boy, I'm allowed that bit of physical contact, despite all the lights and tubes and wires. I need to remember that going forward and not hold back being here for him.

Because I got a lotta love to give.