We found out the Tuesday before we left for Australia. Even though it still seemed too early to tell since my cycles are usually longer than 28days, by day 28 I knew something was up. My boobs hurt in that different way. I told Ry, we bought a pack of pregnancy tests, and as the two lines showed up immediately (not even a 10second wait!) I yelled out through the bathroom door to Ryan, 'Holy shit! It's positive!'
I was excited, but nervous too. Can I travel? Will I be okay in Australia? Will I be allowed to go to Boston still for my big test and a conference in a couple of months? What if something happens while I'm on the plane, or in the Outback, or during my test? And that's when the paranoia began.
Every single time I go to the bathroom now, ya I have to pee, but really I'm looking to see if I'm bleeding. Every. Single. Time. Did I have a miscarriage last time? No, but I did have spotting the night before we had Korbin. Bright red, a bad sign for sure. I almost expect to see it now because, heck, we lost Korbin, it could happen to this little one too.
I couldn't get in to check for a heart beat till towards the end of about 8weeks. So, for a month I had to do my best to pretend I wasn't about to hurl at work and suppress the renewed excitement I was suddenly feeling. Not knowing if there was actually a heart beat was killer, too. Could we tell anyone without knowing that uber important piece of information? I ended up telling friends in Australia because I was so nauseous and nothing sounded good and I just wanted to sleep but needed food all the time. That would have been hard to explain!
Finally the big first appointment came and we saw it, that amazing first flicker that brings a whole new set of emotions the instant you see it on the screen. And relief, the relief that this one is alive and healthy so far in its teeny tiny little life. But, the paranoia did not go away with this new knowledge. I still check to make sure I'm not bleeding every time I pee. Yup, every. Single. Time.
Why the paranoia? Well, on the one hand there are the statistics. Losing Korbin put us in the 6 in 1000 who lose a child. The odds of miscarriage are 1 in 4. That is huge!!! It could happen to anyone! Especially me since we are in the 0.6%, how could we not fall into the 25% that have a miscarriage? That's the logic in my head at least. On the other hand, we have the tiny bit of spotting I had the night before we lost Korbin. No cramping. Just spotting, and one instant of it and it went away. Supposedly totally fine and no need to get to the hospital. Or so we thought. These are things that can make one go crazy.
And then let's combine them with all of the things I now know can happen because the beautiful moms and dad's in my support group have gone through them. Still birth, pre-eclampsia too early for viability of the child after birth, heart defects. All things I have heard about and skimmed through in pregnancy books completely ignoring the fact that anything wrong could ever happen to us, that we could lose our precious first-born child, Korbin. It's overwhelming to know what can go horribly wrong and rip your life apart when it does. All just as devastating as pre-term labor but the child not surviving. All things no parent should have to go through, ever.
During my 8wk appointment we went over our action plan for this pregnancy. At 12wks we'll meet with a perinatologist to go over our case history and discuss the need for further action with a specialist. At 16wks we'll start progesterone shots that will happen weekly, and ultrasounds every two weeks to monitor the length of my cervix since we don't know if it was a cervical problem last time. And assuming all goes well, a planned c-section at 36wks. I feel secure in this plan and like that we are still seeing my OB, who knows me, and knows Ryan and our situation (read: fears) this time around. Dr. Pray is positive about making it to 36wks. I need that positivity right now!
What's interesting to me is that, I'm high risk but not high risk. I can still travel through to 36wks as long as everything looks fine. Working out is fine, no limit to activities necessary at this point. But, with the close monitoring, if something creeps up, all that can and will change. But we'll be so much more prepared for it.
This past week I went on a work trip to Boston. Still filled with paranoia, I asked every waitor about their cheeses and meats and sea foods, being ultra careful of thorough cooking and heating and processing. If I was tired, I sat down. I checked for signs of miscarriage at every bathroom break. I chugged water and popped mints to try to keep down the nausea following said chugging of water. And I began to worry about whether we'd see a heart beat at our week 12 appointment. Yes, we saw one at week 8. But what's to say that heart beat still exists? I can't feel it. I can't feel baby yet. This can also make one go crazy in early pregnancy.
Here's where I will really make you think I'm crazy right now: Baby 2 and I have chats about our team work. They usually last about 5min, and mostly consist of me saying like a mantra how much we love and want this one with us. I also go over how we're in this together, and so we've got to work together to make this happen. AKA, I'm really trying to take a chill pill and I need this one to just hang in there right in my uterus until week 36, with a strong heart beat and a loud cry at birth. I thought I was so weird for doing this, until a friend sent me an article another mother who lost her first child wrote. In the article she explained the teamwork chats she had with her rainbow baby (a child born healthy and alive after one that is lost). Okay, I'm not so weird after all. Either way I'm embracing these chats. When everything feels surreal and too good to be true and like this isn't really happening (heck, we weren't really trying and definitely did not expect to be expecting again so soon), I take these moments to focus intently on this baby and sort of meditate on how real this one truly is.
And honestly, towards the end of Boston, having finished my test and maybe learned a few things in the conference and even making some connections with others in the field, I kind of felt on top of the world. A feeling I haven't felt since being pregnant with Korbin. Hopefully this is good, and that Korbin is guiding us through this next chapter in our lives, and is Baby 2s guardian angel. Because this one needs him just as much as we do, to make it into this harsh world alive and kicking and screaming.
We really need this one with us.
Because we got a lotta love to give.
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Congratulations (and I think its normal to check for spotting after each bathroom break when you have had loss, I still do it!). I love that you talk to baby, very sweet. GOOD LUCK, GOD BLESS and soooooooo happy for you and Ryan!
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