Crying

I have an ever present headache and sore throat now from crying every day since June 1st. Every day. And I'm not talking 5-10minutes. This is an hour in the least, coughing and sputtering while trying to quiet at times to let Ryan sleep from whatever weird work schedule he's on. So much crying.
Our neighbors are Thai-Laos and Vietnamese. Lan, the mother of three beautiful boys (their first born was delivered at 24weeks3days...) explained to me yesterday that in their culture, when someone dies, you do not cry. They believe that when you cry, the person you lost looks back. And in looking back to you their journey to Heaven is halted, and they become caught in between. They want their loved ones' spirits to make it to Heaven, so they mustn't cry in order to let them go.
These were very powerful words for me to take in yesterday. I feel such a constant pain that usually overwhelms me and brings me straight to tears. The pain from this incredibly difficult loss (my eyes are welling up with tears as I write this now) taps into a part of me that so strongly wants Korbin back I almost believe I can have him back if I will it hard enough. But I have to let him go. I have to let my precious angel in Heaven rest in peace. So much easier said than done.
Today I pondered a lot how I can emotionally let him go. There is guilt associated with this as it sounds and seems like I am forgetting him, or trying to move on. But that is just the opposite. I am simply trying to accept that he's gone, and nothing can change that. I can't will him back to life, back into my protective arms. And at the same time, I desperately need my baby to care for. Korbin is irreplaceable, but that doesn't mean by having more kids we're trying to replace him. And why must I punish myself and push off having more children? Yes, Korbin deserves his time to be remembered. He is forever in my heart. Forever.
Knowing this, I need to try for more kids sooner than later. To me, waiting to have more kids a) wasn't the original plan (we wanted to have them "boom boom" as Ryan says), and b) is putting life on hold. Thinking this way helps me put a purpose to every day life again. Working, moving up the ladder and making more money, continuing to fix the house, etc. I didn't understand it at first, and at first thought waiting was the most appropriate thing to do, but I totally get why couples try again so soon after a loss. We were ready to have kids, so why stop now? We're not getting any younger.
Ryan is not on the same page however. Completely understandable. We have a few things to get in order still. And I'm pretty sure I speak for us both when I say that we're scared to death to lose a child. It's the most difficult loss either of us has had to deal with, keeps us at each others' throats at times because we're on such opposite wavelengths in grieving. But I guess you can't let fear stop you from living life. I think I already blogged about doing something every day that scares you. I think I'm doing that, but I could do more for sure. I just want to nurture my family. Because I got a lotta love to give.