Baby Love, My Baby Love

I haven't written in quite some time because what I'm about write is the most painful experience I've ever had in my life.
On June 1st I woke up not feeling well, but knowing I had my 24week appointment at 10am, told myself everything would be fine. I got Ryan to work, then came home to bathe and get dressed. There was rhythmic tightening that just kept coming. It never hurt, but it kept coming on more frequently. Going to the bathroom just before leaving there was some blood. There had been some the night before, but it went away. The on-call doc said to come in if it continued, but it stopped. I got to my ob's office, checked in, and then told the nurse,'I think I'm in Pre-term labor.' She rolled her eyes, asked why I thought that, and then promptly got my doc after hearing my symptoms.
Dr. Pray did just a partial, quick check and confirmed what I had been fearing. I was in full labor and the bag of waters was showing. Too far along to try and slow labor down now, but she assured me babies can survive being born at 24weeks. Ultrasound showed Korbin had flipped from his always head down position to being back down. Each contraction was therefore bending him in half. I left my body I think when Pre-term labor was confirmed. And I'm not sure I've fully returned to it yet.
I was rushed to the OR, and twelve minutes after entering the OR Korbin was born.The anesthesiologist, Dr. Morgan, had to knock me out as the epidural didn't have time to kick in and I could feel everything. When he woke me up, he congratulated me and everything seemed okay for a moment. Then I heard the perinatologist ask for a shot of epinephrine. Then he asked for a second. Then he asked to try one more. I knew something was wrong. Dr. Morgan put his hand on my head and said, 'I am so sorry.'
The next thing I knew Korbin was being held by my side, and then Ryan walked in. He had been lost in the hospital for 30min and only found me with the help of my boss, Cindee. The nurse asked if we wanted to baptize him and I said yes. I baptized my son with tap water out of a styrofoam cup. Not exactly the baptism I had envisioned for him. As they held him at my side, I just stared at him and cried, willing him to live. He made a sound, which at the time I interpreted as a precious tiny baby sound. Now that sound haunts me as I've realized it was from him trying to breathe, but his lungs were just too premature to handle the outside world still.
As we waited for a more permanent room for me to recover from surgery in, Korbin was placed on my chest. As family came in, they slowly realized he was there. So tiny, he almost went unnoticed. We had time with him. He was born at 10:59am, 1lb 8oz and 13inches long at 24weeks5days. He was pronounced while laying on my chest at 12:45pm. Cold. I'll never forget how cold he felt to my lips when I kissed him on his forehead. I wish I'd kissed him sooner. I had Chelsea get a couple of pictures of me holding him, and the hospital took some pictures for us too. He was so bruised from the contractions, but he was the most beautiful baby I have ever laid my eyes on. A spitting image of Ryan, everything I had hoped and prayed he would be.
The perinatologist strongly suggested an autopsy to explain why they couldn't incubate, or why his heart wouldn't respond to the epinephrine when it had started out so strong. He made us believe we had something wrong with that we were passing on. As times passed, I actually leaned on this as the reason for him to not be with us. I began to believe that life would not have been good for him because whatever difficulties he had. But we got the report only to find out he was the perfect baby boy I had hoped and prayed for. He was perfect. That crushed me. As if I hadn't named myself enough beforehand.
How do I feel? How am I managing? Not well, despite what everyone tells me. I keep hearing how strong I am, but I feel like I'm crumbling away inside. I can't wrap my brain around not having him with us. I'm angry he's gone, and I would give anything to have him here with us, anything. The pain in my heart, the grief, is so overwhelming sometimes it paralyzes me. I've lost my drive in life. Everything I've done and was doing was to make life perfect for Korbin. I am so incredibly sad. I just want to cradle him in my arms. Call out to him while I watch him play in the back yard. Cook for him. Pick the perfect school. Finish his nursery. His race car nursery. I was so happy, so excited. That's gone now. It all left me when I let go of him and the nurse walked out of our room with him, never to be seen or touched or held again. Life was so perfect, and now there will always be a hole where Korbin's supposed to be. Birthdays, holidays, future children. I didn't know how deeply I could love someone until I found out he was coming. I will always love my precious Korbin.
Baby Love, My Baby Love.