Maps

My therapist went over the map of grief with me just a few sessions in to our time together last year, it hangs on a board near the kitchen where I can pass by and see it every single day. Basically, you have acceptance in the middle, and it is surrounded by feelings such as depression/sadness, envy/jealousy, anger, longing, etc. As life keeps going, I am moving throughout this map, sometimes sitting between two feelings like envy and anger, and then shooting over to longing, bouncing over to sadness. With each change or shift I may or may not pass through acceptance. This is life daily, monthly, yearly.
The thing that others just don't get, is that in a grief journey, one doesn't end up in acceptance. It's not an end to the journey, but simply a phase that is felt from time to time. As it's not an end, or even a goal necessarily, the feelings of sadness, longing, and even anger are feelings that I will feel off and on for the rest of my life. I may feel them for a minute or for months at a time. It may appear unexplainable to others, but for me, it is completely justifiable, and it is who I am now. Since June 2012. And it's not going away.
In support group (which I haven't attended in forever and maybe need to go to a couple times in the coming months), we all understand each others grief and actions from our grief, even years out from losses. I may be handling everything just fine, but then the slightest trigger will set off a cascade of emotions that I struggle to keep in check. Others in group have complained how family members, friends, even close coworkers who seemed to understand in the early years, begin to wonder when they'll finally be over their loss and just move on. We've all gasped at how disrespectful and uncaring these people have been to our fellow DBC members (a group I wish no one had to join), and I'm sure many, like me, in early years after loss have felt relieved that those immediately surrounding us have not treated us this way. That we've still been allowed our new normal.
Sadly, it seems even my allowed normal has reached it's perceived end point in others eyes. Thankfully, not everyone I hold close to me seems to feel this way about me, but unfortunately, some of the people I see and interact with nearly every day are increasingly making it more and more obvious that they think I'm done grieving, and need to just move on. And I honestly don't know where to go from here. Until now, they've been so supportive, so accepting of who I have become. And yet suddenly, the me I have become is no longer acceptable and harsh changes need to happen in their eyes. They just don't get it. Hopefully they never will.
Everyone's grief journey is different. Some steal away all emotion and become hard as a rock. Some can't hide every emotion they feel. Navigating society and what's accepted as normal is difficult regardless of how one walks through their own grief journey. Especially as society doesn't accept grief as okay.
Sometimes moving forward is difficult. And sometimes it means accepting big and sudden changes.
Moving forward currently is proving to be extremely difficult. But I just have to take life one day at a time. One foot in front of the other.
Because I got a lotta love to give.