The Feels

I keep seeing this around Facebook with people talking about love and loss. It's a cutesy way to acknowledge such deep, profound feelings. For someone who's trying to focus on the happy things in life, the feels can be pretty hard to allow into daily life.

Deep down, I've been pretty emotionally unstable lately. It's just this time of year. Korbin's garden is blooming, spring is here and the air is warmer. One would think it's a happier time of year. But it's this time each year since having Korbin that I tend to think about what may have been and if there were signs that I had missed. The weird tightening feeling that was gone an hour later and didn't return till I was told I was in full labor with him. The odd stomach flipping over feeling that made me want to hurl suddenly but was gone just as quickly. The spotting stopping and so we didn't go to the hospital. What if we had gone? What if?!?

All these thoughts run through my mind with an even stronger intensity this time of year leading up to Korbin's birthday. And yet I push them down and smile at Parker as much as I can. Two opposite feels, such deep love juxtaposed with such despair. Side by side. Oh these feels, they are tough to balance.

Pushing down the sadness is hard mentally as I don't want to push away my thoughts of Korbin, I just wish I could have more positive memories. To think of him and smile instead of burst into tears. 

Really, I just wish he were here. That we were a complete family of four.

Because I got a lotta love to give.