How To Grieve

It's funny how people around you either let you be, because they know every person grieves differently, or tell you what you need to do to grieve and get through your loss, because they are such an expert on how you are doing right now and know exactly how you're feeling. When I got my most recent tattoo, I received criticism from the likes of the second group, unfortunately.

March first I got a tattoo of an amethyst on the inside of my left arm. For one, it's my birth stone. But to me it's become more than that. The amethyst is a stone of healing to the mind, body and soul. And those three things have all been pretty much broken since we lost Korbin. So instead of wearing amethysts, why not tattoo one to carry with me forever? As long as I live, I will feel the pain in my heart from losing Korbin.

I got my amethyst on the inside of my left arm because of the idea that the left side is more closely connected to the heart, so maybe the blood flowing back to my heart will be 'healed' and then heal my broken heart. I know, I know. Sounds a little crazy, and like a bit of a stretch. But it's something I needed in my healing process, and I absolutely love my tattoo!

Showing and telling all if this to an old friend prompted a response I wasn't expecting, and really didn't need at that point in my grieving process. He told me that he knows exactly how I'm feeling and that what I need to do to feel better and move on is to pray. Then everything will be fine and I won't hurt any more. Sure, maybe I do just need to pray more. But if he knows exactly how I feel he should have known that at that particular point in time I was EXTREMELY angry with God. Don't tell me what I need to do to grieve and heal. My journey is mine, Ryan's is his, and we have our journey through this loss together. No one knows exactly how we feel because they did not live what we did. Every loss is different and impacts people differently. And you know what, I prayed for a healthy, perfect baby boy and Korbin was that but then he died for no reason. Pretty rotten if you ask me, and look where praying got me.

Anyway, rant over. My relationship with God is mine alone and it continues to strengthen and weaken like with any other human being. No one can dictate what it should be.

Today the Molly Bears Facebook page posted a poem that described what I hope every person knows about how to deal with a grieving loved one:

(Sorry for the picture quality....)

And this is where I need to keep my patience. People aren't trying to hurt us, they feel in their hearts they are helping. I know this. But sometimes it just hurts too much to understand this in the moment.

I got a lotta love to give.