Funk

I suddenly feel like I'm in a funk. Thanksgiving came and went (finally) and I immediately set to work decorating the house and planning all of our holiday shopping and activities. But it's as if I'm just going through the motions and my heart's not fully in it.

This should be an exciting Christmas. Our first one with Parker! But instead I'm just feeling bluesy and really missing K. This just makes me want every moment possible with P, but work feels like it is getting in the way of that. I guess I haven't been fully enjoying my job as of late. It's busy and stressful right now, and I just want to be at home with my little man. Holding him, reading to him, cooking and baking, doing all of the artsy projects that pop into my head on a daily basis.

Life is a bit of a struggle at the moment. Hopefully forcing my way through the holidays will pull me up and out of it. Because there's so much to enjoy with P.

And I got a lotta love to give.

Life

I am so enjoying life with my little Mr. P! He's just so fun and beautiful and he's here for me hug and love and kiss. I am just so thankful for his presence in our lives!

I truly love having him here. Yes, I end my days exhausted and looking forward to a few hours of sleep at a time since he's not sleeping through the night just yet. He fills our time and our arms 24/7 it seems. And now I wonder, what did we do before P? I mean, we would get home from work and have a couple of hours till dinner time. What happened during those couple of hours? Were we lazy? Boring? It makes me laugh, maybe even in a crazy kind of way, that we used to think we kept busy. We had no idea!

Which makes me sentimental as I wish we could have known all of this with K. I am happy, and that doesn't mean I miss K any less.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

2/3 of a Year

I can't believe our little man is 8 months old already! Time is flying, and though I find myself missing how tiny he was when we first brought him home, I am even more so enjoying watching him grow and develop. Parker is just such an amazing baby!

He no longer sits still and wants to be in everything, even if he himself isn't so mobile just yet (that's what mom and dad are for, right?).

P is such a happy guy. He's rarely upset or just crying. And we just love including him in our daily routine and life. Yes, life changes when you have a child with you. But it doesn't end like it seems some would believe. It just gets more exciting!

P has now started solids and likes most of what he's tried so far: oatmeal mixed with breast milk, mushed potato, rice, and carrots. He did not like avocado. He has now officially found his toes and loves to chew on them. He's learned to stick his tongue out and blows raspberries non-stop (ih the drool!). One week I decided to try to teach him how to wave; he picked it up in just three days! When he recognizes someone, Ry or Nargis or Auntie Amy at daycare, he smiles and waves. Adorable!

Loving the time we get to spend with our precious second little man.

Because we got a lotta love to give.

7 Months Old!

Our little P-nut is over the 6mo hump and already a month into the second half of his first year of life with us! We are just loving watching his continual development into such an awesome little person.

He just started finding his legs and feet this last month, which he'll hold on occasion. Sitting up is still wobbly, but it's coming along. On the 3rd he sat unassisted for a whole 3 seconds! He has also found his penis (um, he's a boy, of course he has!). And he is becoming a thumb sucker as of the 11th. I don't even know the last time we tried a binky as since he was 6mo we switched him to his own crib and he LOVES it. We are all loving the sleep. P also loves bath time, and can't seem to kick and splash enough before bath time is over. And overall he seems to be much more aware of people and things around him now, too.

While nursing, he also wants to talk to me, which can be tricky! But it is so precious to see and hear. And we are still nursing, which means I am still pumping, and it is so worth it!

Daycare has been fantastic. I think that's mostly because he is with family. He seems to really enjoy his time with his auntie and cousins and the other kids. Something we are working on with dropping him off and picking him up is waving hi and bye. I swear he's done it a few times now!

Being 7mo now, technically 5.5mo, we decide it was time to try some solid food. I'm not so sure he really liked the oatmeal, even though it was mixed with breast milk. But this is where the fun in trying new foods is. Oh the faces!

Loving every second with our little P-nut.

Because we got a lotta love to give.

A Poem

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me

By David M Romano

When tomorrow starts without me

And I’m not here to see

If the sun should rise and find your eyes

All filled with tears for me

I wish you wouldn’t cry 

The Way you did today

While thinking of the many things

We did not get to say

I know how much you love me

As much as I love you

Each time that you think of me

I know you will miss me too

When tomorrow starts with out me

Please try to understand

That an angel came and called my name

And took me by the hand

The angel said my place was ready

In heaven far above

And That I would have to leave behind

All those I Dearly Love

But When I walked through Heaven’s Gates

I felt so much at home

When GOD looked down and smiled at me 

From his golden throne

He said This Is Eternity

And All I promised you

Today for life on earth is done

But Here it starts a new

I promise no tomorrow 

For today will always last

And Since each day’s the exact same way

There is no longing for the past

So When Tomorrow starts without me

Do not think we’re apart

For every time you think of me 

Remember I’m right here in your heart

Forever in my heart, Korbin.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Baptism

So, you'd think I would be on top of this. Date set once we knew P was coming home from the NICU, family and close friends invited and an outfit picked out. Nope, I just know I want him baptized. But that is it!

Up until recently I couldn't figure out why I was holding off on something I feel is so important. Then I realized I was actually somewhat traumatized by Ks baptism. It sounds odd, but there was just this finality in K being baptized. A rush to do it before his little heart stopped beating for good. Trying to bear death. It's like a part of me deep down is worried that something will take P away from us once we finally have him baptized. And so I keep pushing it off, and just think about it here and there and how we still need to do it.

At the same time, I do feel a push to do it because what if something happens and P wasn't baptized in time? I honestly never thought this could be such a difficult thing to set up. Especially when it was such a no brainer with K. There was no doubt I wanted him baptized. And there's no doubt I want P baptized.

Just something I'll have to figure out in time.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Tainted

I know I'm a part of a different club that no one wants to join, but I never expected to feel shunned by those around me on the outside. 

There is the pregnant coworker who will barely speak to me, let alone look me in the eye. And I feel like she can't run away from me fast enough. I get it, I'm not the picture of a perfect pregnancy and healthy living children. I'm tainted now. And this new aspect of my loss has really started to bother me as it's one I never thought I'd have to deal with. And it actually really hurts.

Especially now, during the month of October when people in the DBC like me try to remember our lost little loves (not like we ever stop thinking of them) and bring awareness to the harsh reality of losing a child, I'm seeing how much we've become outsiders from the norms of society.

I saw this in my news feed the other day:

Really? Hide people. I hid all the happy pregnant people for two years because I couldn't stand it, it hurt so much to see others so happy. But I never would have posted that they needed to stop being happy because I was hurting so much inside. I guess the opposite is okay, though, because only happiness and joy are accepted these days. We've become a society that ignores the dark and scary sadness instead of acknowledging that it happens. I guess it's just easier that way.

No wonder it is so incredibly difficult to deal with loss and the pain and sadness and ache for your lost loves. It's not okay for us to speak out about it because it makes others uncomfortable, so we're supposed to forget and keep quiet.

But I will NEVER stop talking about or remembering or loving my precious little Korbin. I miss him with all my heart and soul, with every fiber of my being.

Because I got a lotta love to give.