Gray Hair

Yesterday I noticed how gray the hair was on one of the doc's heads at work. It totally makes sense as she's a go go go type of person with three kids at home. Super busy but loves life. Exactly who and where I want to be.

And then I remembered that Ry found one, wiry, thick white hair on my head a few weeks ago. He plucked it and gave it to me, and I just stared at it. I thought of how my mom used to joke that us kids gave her gray hair. So, it's something I have only ever associated with running after my crazy kids. Not losing them. But, I guess that it makes sense for me, being that I'm dealing with an incredible amount of emotional stress on a daily basis.

I used to be such a happy-go-lucky person. Always the glass is half full. Now I just feel bitter, and empty. Devoid of life and the happiness I once felt.

Still wondering if I really do got a lotta love to give....

Calendar

The sight of the calendar at work breaks my heart each time I see it. September 16th read "Lisa's Due Date" until June 1st. In the lab, we all place bets on when someone who's pregnant will actually have their kid, and even the weight. I was so looking forward to seeing everyone put their guesses up, and finding out for myself when Korbin would arrive and how big he'd be. The excitement and wonder in all of that was just so suddenly stolen when he came too soon. I wish with all my heart he were still here. I can't even begin to describe how my heart aches for my family to be complete.
As this weekend passed, I was so checked out I don't think I cried once. It's bottling up inside of me, I can feel it welling up. But it's like this new, stoic part of me is trying to tell the rest of me, 'no, be strong, don't cry.' I'm not even sure I'm okay with this side that's surfacing. What Ido know is that it hurts to see September 16th and no longer have it say 'Baby Love Due' as our home calendar once read. Instead it's scribbled out completely.
This is one of those times when I wonder if I still got a lotta love to give.

Tattoos

The tattoos are healing and I definitely feel a sense of peace from them. But they anger me too, and make me sad, from the pure fact that I have to have mine to feel the physical presence of my child. The only physical thing I have of him is his footprints. Well, we have his ashes as well, but I'm having issues emotionally being okay with them. 

As all tattoos have incredible meaning, here is mine explained:

What it is: Korbin's footprints from when he was born. As mentioned above, the only physical thing I feel I have of him. When first researching footprint tattoos, I initially felt wanting them was so cliche, they were everywhere on the Internet. Then I realized people like me get them for obvious reasons, when they're all you've got, of course you put them permanently on your body.

The inscription: 'Baby Love, My Baby Love' is from what I began singing to him when I was still pregnant, and what I imagined myself singing to him while dancing around the house after he was born. I looked up the words to the actual song; it's an awful song about an awful cheating man. But the words were different in my head; full of happiness and joy and love for my beautiful first boy. Below his footprints is his full name, because even if others don't want to hear it as they're afraid I'm too sad to speak of him, I have to say his name, as often as possible.

Placement: Initially, I wanted this over my heart, which, contrary to what many believe, is dead-center in your chest. Ryan and I said it to each other while I was still recovering in the hospital. We needed to have him as close to our hearts as possible. But, I don't like such in-your-face tattoos. They seem too sexual, especially on a girl. Just my personal opinion. So, to the left became perfect from when Korbin came to me in a dream. I held him oh so tight on my left shoulder and just cradled him, rocking side to side.

It's a big tattoo, and still very visible, which is very unlike me when t comes to tattoos. My others are all hidden and really just for me. But I can't keep Korbin hidden. I want the world to know my precious baby. There's a beautiful quote I found when researching tattoos: 'A tiny flower lent, not given, to bud on Earth and bloom in Heaven.' As beautiful as it is, it still breaks my heart. Especially today, my would-be due date. I've definitely checked out, even felt a bit delirious, and just gone through the motions of life with things like when it's time to eat and sleep. Just the basic, okay, it's time for this, but no further thought into it than that. I just miss my baby boy, the magic and wonder of becoming a parent, the excitement. It's days like today that are painful reminders that he really is gone, never to return to my aching arms.

I got a lotta love to give.

Requests...

This weekend I am feeling extremely selfish about two things. First, and this is awful to ask for, (well, they both are) my dearest friend was due the 13th and I am so afraid emotionally that she'll go into labor and/or have her baby on the 16th. And second, that my ailing grandmother won't survive the weekend.
My heart can't handle either of these this weekend. And it's so selfish to ask God for these things to not happen just yet. But I just can't take either of them, not this weekend. These two thoughts have kind of broken me down over the past week.
I like to think I've got a lotta love to give, but it's thoughts and moments like this that make second guess what I'm capable of giving right now.

Checked out

As I enter this weekend, approaching Krbin's woud-be due date, I have been apprehensive about how I may feel. And also just completely unknowing. Thankfully, my boss has the compassion and understanding that this is a tough weekend for me, and hasn't expected me to work or push through. Today she asked if I had a headache seeing that I wore my glasses. All I could get out was that I haven't slept well this week. She stopped what she was doing and just gently squeezed my shoulder, saying, 'ya, I've been wondering how you're doing. And I've been thinking about you.' I almost broke right there, but somehow got through the work day. When I was leaving, she gave me a big hug, and said she'll be thinking of us. She kind of rushed back to work but for a split second I caught her eye and I think she was doing her best to not cry in front of me. Part of me still has this very rational thought that says, 'hey, this is ridiculous, you are okay, why are you so mopey. Snap out of it.' But my heart knows better than to listen to that. Of course I'm a wreck right now. As Cindee said today, 'baby steps, big hurdles.'
We got our tattoos today. And while there is some sort of peace and relief in that Korbin's permanently physically with me now, I don't know that I'm doing better. I kind of expected this overwhelming sense of peace, or closure. But really I've just checked out. Numb. And overwhelmingly emotionally drained.
Maybe as the tattoo heals physically, there will be some emotional healing as well. My heart is just so empty, and yet full, because I got a lotta love to give.

Bonds

The bond between mother and child that develops with pregnancy is unlike any I've ever experienced before. And something I can never give to Ryan or help him understand. He confessed that to me last night; that he doesn't know the bond I had with Korbin. It breaks my heart that I can't give that to him. It's ultimately why I feel so broken and defeated. I just wanted to give Ryan our son. I felt Korbin's movements, his kicks, and the magic of having him inside me. But Ryan didn't get to experience any of that. Which also likely contributes to how differently we are grieving.
This week I thought I was doing okay. But as we rapidly approach my should-have-been due date, it's as if the flood gates have opened once more. Fresh pain, sorrow, and tears. It's really crazy how much I physically feel the loss of Korbin at times. What never changes, though, is the deep, dull ache within my heart. I actually wasn't sure I could get through work today without an emotional breakdown. Especially since last night I dreamed I was desperately calling out to Korbin. At first it was more like calling him inside from playing, but as time passed and he didn't show up, the calling out to him became more and more desperate. He never came to me. Not being able to call out his name, to talk to him, to say, 'I love you, Korbin' or, 'Korbin, come here,' and have him present to respond reduces me to tears even as I write this. We so carefully chose the perfect name for him and I imagined talking to him. Actually, I had already started talking to him, telling him good night, and that I loved him, all while rubbing my growing belly and feeling his kicks. Sometimes he even seemed to respond with a kick, like he acknowledged or heard me. I loved him so much. I still love him so much. I miss him, and I so wish he were here still.
Because I got a lotta love to give.

Lessons

Everything happens for a reason. I do believe this. But it's hard to think that there's a good reason Korbin isn't with us right now. I've been struggling with this over the past few months, especially when I let myself wander down the dark path of why's that inevitably leads to new depths of despair I've never known before. What reason is there for my baby to die? A very close friend told me that, as much as she prayed and thought about it, she could not come up with the lesson there is in all of this for us.
Then today, Ry jokingly said, 'There's a lesson in everything.' I replied, 'Oh ya? What's the lesson in Korbin dying?' 'Life sucks, Lis. Life sucks.' Yup, so true. I'm reminded of a quote a friend shared:
"Most of life is hell. It's filled with failure and loss. People disappoint you; dreams don't work out; hearts get broken.... And the best moments of life, when everything comes together, are few and fleeting. But you'll never get to the next moment if you don't keep going. So that's what I do, I keep going." (Political Animals)
All I can do is keep going. I don't really have energy for anything else. I just keep living, clinging desperately to the sliver of hope that one day we'll be happy in life. But I do still wonder, will we ever be satisfied?
Somewhere deep within me, I still got a lotta love to give.