Oh, you're pregnant...

It's awful to admit, but I can't stand hearing this 'good news' right now. And I don't know when I will be able to stand it. Honestly, even hearing that a close friend is trying again. Really, did you have to share this with me? I have no congrats to offer right now. And it actually kind of pisses me off. Especially as another friend, right in front of me, "do you want a boy?" and of course the other responded that of course she does, she already has a girl. It's a slap in the face. And it's as if everyone around me is rubbing it in how fertile and easy having children and creating a family is...for them. Lucky for them they all get to remain so naive to the harsh realities some of us have to face.
As one mom in support group said, "I have no happiness for myself, how can I have any for you?" Yes, yes, YES. I have been thinking this to myself for quite some time now. Especially as I see joyful updates of anticipated births on Facebook every time I log on. I have now hidden every single happy person on Facebook who can't stop showing off their newborn or new ultrasound pictures or signs of labor. Yup, I don't want to see it at all. Maybe just a tad bit bitter still....

Molly Bears

So, it's the little things in life to get excited about now. And they all revolve around Korbin and memorializing him. At support group this week I learned of Molly Bears and am excited to get ours in the next 3-4 months or so. Basically, a mom lost her baby whom she had named Molly. A close friend gave her family a teddy bear that weighed 3lbs. She decided she wanted the bear to weigh as much as her Molly did and so she added rice to match her weight exactly. The birth of Molly Bears. This bear was so soothing to her that she decided to devote a portion of each paycheck to making one bear for a family who has just lost their baby. Demand has grown so much, I think just by word of mouth and support groups, that she now has the non-profit Molly Bears and is in multiple states. And I think she started here in Washington state.
Anyway, I'm registered now, but we can't add our names to the list to receive one until September 30th. Registration is only open once a month. I'm really glad I heard of this and am excited to register for our bear. We get to customize him too! It will be really nice to cuddle the bear just the way I had hoped to cuddle Korbin. Because I still got a lotta love to give.

Making my dreams come true

I really used to think I had the power to make my dreams come true. What's apparent now, unfortunately, is that I have no control in this thing we call life. My two dreams were to become a physician and to have a family. I wanted to be the crazy busy working mom. Now I just feel lost. I worked so hard to get into medical school only to not receive a single interview invite this past application cycle. But, no worries, we were starting our family. Career goals can still happen during or after that starts. Then my baby was ripped from me suddenly and so unexpectedly. No family either. At least, not in the sense I was hoping for. All these hopes and dreams. What now? What's next? Do I keep trying when the universe is so obviously telling me, 'nope, not yet'...?
Life is such an interesting adventure. A journey with hills and valleys. It's funny, after reading 'Cutting for Stone' I distinctly remember saying to a coworker that the story would not have been beautiful if the devastating deaths within it had not happened. But that's not what I meant for real life. That's not supposed to be my story. So then, is this how my story becomes one of beauty? Because I really fail to see the beauty in it right now. And hope for a brighter tomorrow is waning.
Life shouldn't be so difficult. Because I still got a lotta love to give.

Left out

At support group last night I mentioned being invited to baby showers already. All the moms chimed in how lucky I am to actually be invited and choose for myself whether I'll go or not go. They aren't invited to such things. It never occurred to me how left out I'd feel if I weren't invited. But I felt that alienation tonight when I saw my group of girls I call my closest girl friends were all together for a happy hour. And I'd never heard a word of it until I saw the check-in and tagging of each girl on Facebook. So completely alienating. I'm a different person now, and some choose to not include me because of it. They don't want to talk about or hear about Korbin any more. They look at me like I'm fragile which is so aggravating. Mostly because I know deep down I am. But I still don't want to be treated as such. Damned if you, damned if you don't. Neither approach is the right one.
This all becomes so exhausting. But I still got a lotta love to give.

What a lucky little guy

I met with a couple of good friends from the lab I worked at during college last week. They're both older women, one with grand children and the other not far behind. And they are very dear to me, so their company was definitely needed. Melanie is on Facebook and read my post about putting baby stuff away. She decided to email as that didn't seem right, especially since she knew how far along I should be. After much conversation with her and Barbara, going over the events of June 1st, sharing pictures, and just discussing my loss and how it's affecting me, Melanie was struck with my continued deep love for Korbin. She said, 'What a lucky little guy, to have two parents who still love him so much.'
I love Korbin with a love I didn't know was possible. It's depth, it's wholeness. I didn't know I could love someone so much. My heart aches from the hole that's left now that Korbin's gone. I hope in time it's swallowed up by the love I will always have for him. That I can keep him forever in my heart. Another dear friend, Ari, said that although he's gone, his love is pouring down on us. And I really need to hear that. There is so much bottled up inside, sometimes I feel I'm bursting at the seams. I just need my baby to take care of. Yes, I have the dogs and Ryan, the house and whatnot to care for. But none of that comes close to the bond I had with Korbin and how much I was looking forward to building on that as Ryan and I raised our beautiful son.
I got a lotta love to give.

Recognition

Tonight a coworker exclaimed as we were leaving a BBQ early, "oh, you don't have any kids!"
Really? I'm pretty sure she knows everything I just went through, sent food and cards. And then to say that!? It really sucks. I am a mom. But I don't get to be a mom. Therefore, to the outside world, I'm not a mom. And that really hurts. 
What I really wanted to say in response was, "Ya, he may not be here with us but we still had a kid."
But in the moment I stopped myself. I know people aren't trying to say hurtful things, but that doesn't make them hurt any less. The hot knife still rips into my heart with each comment like the one above.
You know, I'd love to have to worry about someone besides myself. I'd give anything to have to buy diapers, worry about whether my child is getting the healthiest food possible, finding a sitter for a random night out, or whether we can afford everything we want for our child. I would give anything to have those thoughts and concerns. To not have time for anything because I have to care for my child. 
I feel like I am too efficient now. I get a chore done and then I wonder, now what? What do I do with myself for the next chunk of time till there's a meal to prepare or another chore pops up? I should be caring for a child, wondering how much sleep I'll hopefully get, and whether I've gotten enough laundry done for the family.
It really, really sucks. I don't get to be a mom. But I am a mom.
I got a lotta love to give.

Roller coaster ride

All week long I've been tossing and turning from about 2am on with the worst stomach cramps ever, and my body just wants to rid itself of anything that comes its way. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me until I received a message from my stepmom yesterday that reduced me to tears as she cried into the phone. She said she misses Korbin too, and that she knows how long it's been, 12weeks this Friday, since we lost him. It hit me. My body is going into repeat of June 1st. Every freaking day this week. It's Groundhog's Day from Hell. And oh so cruel. I finally told one of my coworkers as she kept asking if I thought I had a virus or something else. She understood what I was trying to say as I began to cry and break down a bit in front of her and didn't need any further explanation. It sucks. It really fucking sucks. And it's not fair and it's not supposed to be how life is for Ryan and me. We're supposed to be happy and getting ready for Korbin. Instead, 12weeks ago today I left work the happiest I have ever been in my life. We finished Korbin's Babies R Us registry. And then June 1st came. I've been in such a time warp. Last memories being of myself pregnant as if trying to block out what happened, yet holding onto my memories of Korbin with us so desperately too. It's an emotional roller coaster.
I just want my baby back. Because I got a lotta love to give.